TheLeadershipNotebook

Connections and Community

 

“We have all known the long loneliness and we have learned

that the only solution is love and that love comes with community.”

~ Dorothy Day, legendary social activist

 

This is a guest post written by Elizabeth Conlisk, Vice President of Communications and University Relations  for Big Ten Network (and, full disclosure, Elizabeth is my sister).

 

When I first moved to Chicago for my job just over five years ago, I knew one person. It didn’t really matter for about the first 11 months because I was working nonstop to help launch the Big Ten Network. Any free time was spent sleeping, working out or fulfilling family obligations. (Lots of graduations that year!)

So, when the dust settled from all that hubbub, I lifted my head up and realized that it was time to make some friends, time to build some connections in my new city and time to build my community.

 

The first thing I did was start a book club, which had been such a source of friendship back in Columbus. I’ve had the same experience here. Not only was I able to convince two of my first new friends here to join, they and others have brought their friends. And don’t tell my Columbus book club, but the Windy City Book Club is my favorite ever.

Making some connections was next on my list. I joined a couple of professional organizations and met some people who graciously introduced me to others in their networks.  I’m a part of a Midwest communicators group that consists of other PR professionals who give me insight into their worlds which can be very similar to, and very different, from mine.

 

And I frequently attend inspirational and informative talks. Chicago Ideas Week is this week and I’ve heard some amazing speakers give their views on innovation and disruption.

But building a community for myself has been a bigger challenge. I’m happy getting together one-on-one with friends and neighbors, but have wanted to connect with something bigger than myself, with others who have a shared purpose.

 

One step I took was joining the Chicago board of the Positive Coaching Alliance, which helps students, parents and coaches be “better people, better athletes.” Given the role sports played in my youth and adolescence and how it plays such an important role in my professional life, joining PCA made perfect sense. And it’s been rewarding to see our chapter grow over the past year.

I think I’m on the right track, but feel there’s more I can do to really and truly create the life I want to live.

What about you? Is your community all it can be?

Thanks for your insights, Elizabeth. 

 

To your success,

 

Mary

 

The Truth About Leadership

 

“If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more,

do more and become more,  you are a leader.”

~John Quincy Adams 

 

Great leadership doesn't require a diploma or a degree. It's not reserved for some elite group of people. Leadership can be something for everyone to embrace, from administrative assistant to janitor to manager to CEO.

Leadership is about so much more than strategy, operations and marketing. It's about discovering and understanding each team member's potential (as well as your own) and finding ways to tap into that resource, something many managers neglect to do.

On leaders, wise man, Lao Tzu suggests:

"A leader is best when people barely know he exists. When his work is done, his aim fulfilled, they will say: we did it ourselves."

It sounds simple and it is. But no one said it was easy. For many people, leadership based on inspiring and encouraging others requires a shift in mindset and perspective. It requires a shift to a mindset and perspective that fundamentally believes in their employee’s capability, value and ability to positively contribute to the organization.

And it also requires a focus on channeling their employee's intelligence and passion to engage them in accomplishing their goals; goals that are aligned with the goals of the organization.

Whether you’re the boss or the employee, in order to inspire leadership, try these simple (but not easy) suggestions:

 

1. Establish trust. Leaders need to create it and employees need to, well, trust. If your words and actions are just lip service, employees will know and steer clear. Do what you say you will do. It is the foundation for all leadership. When trust is built, employees can move forward with confidence knowing that they are on a solid foundation.

2.  Build understanding. Employee empowerment is not an event. It’s a philosophy with specific strategies that allow staff to make decisions that directly affect their job. Employers need to be in it for the long term and employees need to consider how their decisions may affect the company.

3. Establish clear boundaries. When the leader is away, what decisions can staff make? Remember, assigning responsibility without authority can be a leadership killer. Make sure everyone knows who is leading whom. If you're an employee, make sure you get clear direction before assuming responsibility. Knowing your boundaries allows you to be proactive in your actions and decisions.

 

4.  Encourage. Second guessing the decisions of staff that have been given the authority to make those decisions undermines the entire process. Will mistakes be made? Of course. But shoot down an employee and see if anyone ever steps up with a critical idea or decision that takes the company's success to the next level.

Empowering employees is a powerful way to motivate staff. It allows them to get passionate about challenges and inspires them to step up with new ideas. It's a win-win situation. Left uninterrupted, this cycle repeats, encouraging passionate and skilled people to step up and make decisions about how to best serve customers or clients, which ultimately benefits the bottom line.

Knowing and believing you can lead regardless of your level is an incredibly powerful feeling. What do you think? How do inspire those you lead to lead as well?

To your success,

Mary

 

Stuffing It

 

“Anybody can become angry-that is easy,

but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree

and at the right time and for the right purpose and in the right way-

that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.”

~Aristotle

 

 

I write and speak often about the concepts of emotional intelligence and the impact your EQ skill level can have on your career (and your personal life.) Specifically, I’ve discussed an EQ topic that is affectionately called an amygdala highjack: that point when your lizard brain takes over and your emotions cause you to say or do something that can lead to regret, embarrassment and outcomes that are often worse.

 

But there’s an opposite side of that coin: stuffing your emotions. Refusing to be assertive or even express what you’re feeling can be just as career-limiting as “popping off.”  That’s what’s happening to my client, Dan (not his real name).

Dan’s EQ 2.0 self-assessment reflected low scores in emotional expression and assertiveness and a high score in impulse control. Not an emotionally intelligent combination.

 

During our results review session, Dan shared his boss’s negative 360 feedback, which pretty much confirmed Dan’s self assessment. And according to his boss, Dan’s lack of emotional expression and assertiveness is severely limiting his career progression.

You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to understand the mental and physiological cost of stuffing your emotions. But there are additional costs as well. Here are a few more:

To relationships and trust: Relationships and trust are both built on two-way communication and sharing.

To perceptions: Sometimes this behavior can be seen as predictable or calculated, often sending the wrong message.

To respect and influence: It’s difficult to have influence and garner respect when those you lead don’t know where you stand.

 

What Dan (or You) Can Do

1. Become more aware of the types of emotions he has trouble expressing at work and understand what triggers them.

2. Look for a role model who he feels successfully expresses their emotions. He should seek their advice and perspective on what works for them.

 3. Tap into his skills in empathy and emotional self awareness to pay more attention to how others react when he does express his emotions.  

4. Understand what situations cause him to be less assertive than he should be. What situations make him cave?  

5. Sometimes when we don’t speak up, it’s because we are mired in thought when others want action. Think about that in advance of making a decision. What information or evidence will you need in order to feel comfortable acting.

 

Aristotle was right. It is difficult to express your emotions to the right degree at the right time for the right purpose in the right way. We know that an emotional explosion is not the right approach but neither is stuffing them.

Emotional intelligence skills CAN be learned. In fact, ultimately, your career success counts on it. Just ask Dan.

To your success,

 

Mary

The "Firsts"

 

It’s back to school time. Lots of parents I know are experiencing the angst that comes with their child’s first day of school. Whether its kindergarten, high school or the start of college, regardless of how old they are, these “firsts” generate lots of emotion for us as parents. These changes bring with them excitement, pride, sadness and of course a good dose of worry.

 

For me, this year’s back to school season brings with it a “first” of a different nature. Our daughter, Emily, just landed her first “official” career job. Oh, she’s had part time jobs and summer internships but this is her first job post law school and she’s headed to Washington DC in a week to start.

Emily, our third and youngest child, is officially on her way and headed out into the world to make her way. And with Emily’s departure, the last of the Werner’s will be “launched.”

 

It’s bittersweet for us. My husband and I know that our job as parents has not come to a close but rather enters a brand new chapter. But it seems like yesterday.......

As I was sharing my emotions at the closing of this chapter, a colleague reminded me of Kahlil Gibran’s wisdom On Children included in The Prophet.

 

Maybe you need a reminder as well.

 

On Children
 Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

 

So get your bow ready. It’s comes up fast and bending it is harder than you think.

To your success,

 

Mary

 

An Unexpected Bonus

 

“Patience is not passive. On the contrary, it is active. It is concentrated strength.”

~Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton

 

I had a coaching meeting this week with “Rick,” a Partner of a very successful CPA firm. For some background, Rick is a “go getter,” operating with a sense of urgency in everything he does. This style worked well for Rick in the early years of his career. He could be relied on to get stuff done and that sense of urgency translated into great productivity.

That was then. Now as a Partner, Rick must get work accomplished with and through others. That’s difficult to do when you haven’t taken the time to build relationships with or develop others. When you rush about, not listening or connecting with those individuals you lead and rely on to deliver great work.

Rick has realized that in order for his practice to grow, to continue his success at work, he needed to make some changes.

Thus Rick came to me for coaching to build his self-awareness and get a handle on his impatience and de-motivating leadership style. Rick embraced the coaching from the beginning, learning about himself through self assessments and the questions we discussed during our coaching sessions. In addition he focused on practicing patience in his daily interactions.

Not only has he been practicing patience at work, he’s also been practicing patience at home with his wife and three young children. He had a real chance to practice with his kids on a recent family vacation. In fact, Rick just got back from an 8 day trip. All five of them traveled in a minivan to 6 different cities throughout the south. Yikes! This would be a true test….

So, this week, it was a special bonus and a surprise to read a note written to me by Rick’s wife on what a difference his new found patience has made for their family, especially on their recent vacation. “Calm,” “engaged” and “thoroughly enjoyable” were some of the words his wife used to describe the “new Rick.” The kids even commented on how fun Dad was. Rick’s response: “For that reason alone, it is definitely worth all the hard work and practice.”

Very cool.

The letter is a great reminder that while our work behaviors are important to our “success,” how we show up in our personal life can be every bit as impactful.

What about you? Are you aware of how your behaviors impact others? Do you rush through life, never stopping to connect or be fully present to others? What are the implications at work AND at home?

To your success,

Mary

5 Secrets of Olympic Coaches

 

“Coaches who can outline plays on a black board are a dime a dozen.

The coaches who win are the ones who can motivate their players.”

~Vince Lombardi

 

For us mere mortals, the 2012 Olympics has certainly been a display of amazing performances. From the “kids” in gymnastics to the swimming and diving feats of the US team, we’ve witnessed outstanding athletes and outstanding teams. But we can’t forget the coaches, some more public than others, providing non-stop encouragement and focus to their athlete.

While I don’t work with Olympic athletes, I do coach leaders who want to take their performance to the next level. And those leaders often must learn to make the transition to become internal coaches themselves, focused on developing their team members and direct reports to achieve outstanding results.

So I read with interest a recent HBR blog post by Marcie Schorr Hirsch and Therese S. Kinal, discussing the results of a study outlining what it takes for coaches to produce Olympic champions.

It’s interesting that the five critical areas cited in the study of Olympic coaches are not dissimilar to what we coaches (both internal and external) must provide to our “coachees.”

The five areas are below with my take on how they might apply to your world.

1.      Help the athlete cultivate self-awareness

You can help your direct reports develop self-awareness by helping them understand their strengths and areas requiring development. How might you build on their strengths to leverage great results? Do you know what really matters to your direct report? How they are best motivated. How are they able to learn and grow in areas that provide meaning and value to them AND to the organization?

2.      Build a strong coach-athlete relationship

Trust, commitment and a sense of partnership are integral to building a solid relationship with your coachee. This requires truly listening to them, without judgment. You must instill in them the confidence and trust that you believe in them and what they are capable of achieving.

 

3.      Create an optimal training environment

A great coach/manager must create an environment that provides the right amount of visibility and sponsorship that can propel a career. Throughout the Olympics, we heard athletes continually share how their coach challenged the athletes to achieve stretch goals. What kind of environment are you creating for your coachees?

 

4.      Provide financial and other support systems

Development of new skills requires an investment of both time and resources. A coach encourages and motivates her coachee to devote the time and effort it takes to practice these skills. A coach also holds her coachee accountable for their following through on responsibilities and stated committments.

 

5.      Manage the Olympic environment

Coach/mangers must challenge their “athlete” to see the bigger picture as they learn new skills. Politics are part of every organization and great coaches help their coachees gain a broader perspective that expands beyond their immediate sphere of influence.

 

I just finished watching the US Women’s Soccer team win the Olympic gold medal against Japan. It was an excellent game and team USA’s performance was outstanding. Coach Pia Sundhage did not receive a gold medal for the victory but knew that her focus was not on achieving fame and glory but on her team’s results. In fact, Sundhage’s quote about coaching Team USA mirrors my feelings about coaching my clients: “I’ve been lucky to coach them….it is unique. It’s wonderful.”

What do you think? How do you coach your employees to deliver outstanding performance? I welcome your perspective and input.

 

To your success,

 

Mary

5 Effective Strategies to Cure Defensive Communication

 

My coaching client, Barbara (not her real name), has an excuse for everything. Nothing is ever her fault and her colleagues say she is a master of escape, leaving the scene when the conversation gets intense.

Her defensive communication style has been tolerated in the past but now her behavior is holding her back from moving to partnership in her firm. Barbara’s defensiveness has impacted her relationships in the office and has also spilled over to relationships with her clients.

Do you know someone like Barbara? Could YOU be Barbara?

Barbara believes that her defensive communication style protects her. That to be open to feedback, ideas or criticism is to be vulnerable and weak. On the contrary, it is being defensive that weakens us. While you’re busy defending yourself, there’s not much room for meaningful contact with others. Nor can you learn from their feedback or from your own mistakes.

To curb your own defensive reactions, consider some of the following more effective strategies: 

1.   Breathe and Listen• If you feel criticized, rather than reacting or retreating, take a deep breath, tell yourself that it’s only feedback and just listen. You can correct the record later, if necessary.
2. Consider and Accept• Consider if there is a kernel of truth in the feedback.  If there is, acknowledge it and work to improve in that area. Your willingness to acknowledge when you’re wrong inspires colleagues, clients and management to feel confident in you.
3. Consider and Reflect• Realize that sometimes people’s criticisms are all about the “story” they have made up around a situation. Try not to take it personally or as your responsibility.
4. Focus on the message and not the sender • What can you learn from the feedback? If it’s delivered by someone whose personality does not mix with yours, separate the idea from the personality and focus instead on the rest of the message.
5. Ask clarifying questions • Clarifying questions help to keep the listening process active and increase understanding among listeners and speakers. Try some of these questions for gaining time and clarity:

• Can you help me to understand your perspective on this issue?
•  Can you be more specific?Can you give me some examples?
•  Let me tell you what I understand you to be saying. Did I understand you correctly? 
• Say more.  
• Tell me more about that.

 

Changing how we communicate as individuals—learning that we can protect ourselves and have greater influence without using defensiveness—can not only dramatically shift our professional and personal relationships, but can also improve our leadership effectiveness.

“Communication works for those who work at it.”

~John Powell

 

What about you? What strategies have you used to improve your defensive behaviors?

 

To your success,

 

Mary

 

 

 

 

 

Rate Your Client Relationships: Are You a Trusted Advisor?

 

“At its core, trust is about relationships.”

~David Maister

 

In my last two blog posts, I talked about two of the five key EQ skills needed to move from technician to trusted advisor: self actualization and emotional self-awareness.

It won’t come as a shock to you that the third EQ skill is your ability to build mutually satisfying relationships. The key words here are mutually and satisfying.

We’ve all been in client relationships that are one-sided or give us heartburn. Those relationships can never make it to a true trusted advisor status.

What I’m talking about in a trusted advisor relationship is based on a mutual give and take. You must give a favor to earn a favor.  In trusted advisor speak, you must “display your willingness to make an investment in the relationship in order to earn your client’s trust.”

What efforts do you put into maintaining healthy and effective relationships with your clients? Is your talk all technical and single focused? How do you get to know them on a personal level? What matters to them? Do they know what matters to you?  In the end, building a strong relationship requires a certain level of vulnerability and a willingness to open yourself up.

And we all know that a relationship that’s strong and satisfying is one based on thoughtfulness and openness to another’s ideas. The idea of collaboration and connection to others is something that trusted advisors value. And when a conflict arises, both parties work to resolve issues in a manner that is respectful and professional.

There is a misconception that strong trusted advisor relationships can only be built when the advisor is extraverted or gregarious. Quite the contrary. One of the most effective legal advisors I know is quite introverted but has forged strong relationships with his clients in a more reserved, one on one manner. Still strong. Still effective. Still a trusted advisor. He just accomplishes it in a more low-key manner. And his clients love him. He is their “go-to guy.”

How would you rate your client relationships?

If you didn’t choose excellent, what’s holding you back from building deeper, more meaningful relationships with the clients you serve? Regardless of whether you’re an introvert or extravert, you can begin today to build the skills that it takes for forge mutually satisfying relationships with your clients and move yourself to that coveted “trusted advisor” status.

 

To your success,

 

Mary