TheLeadershipNotebook

Your First and Simplest Emotion

 

“The first and simplest emotion that we discover in the human mind is curiosity.”

~Edmund Burke

 

Remember when you were 6 and you drove your Mom crazy asking questions that began with words like: Why? Who? When? Where? How? and my personal favorite, What? Endless curiosity ruled your world. Until, as one of my coaching clients lamented, your parents or teacher or babysitter cried out in exasperation: No More Questions!

 

Curiosity inadvertently squashed.

 

Another lesson some are taught as kids is that it’s rude to ask questions or worse, that asking questions somehow conveys your ignorance. Curious George always got into trouble for being curious. And we might even have been warned that “Curiosity killed the cat!”

 

For many, curiosity got a bad rap.

 

The truth is that curiosity is one of the most vital and life-affirming qualities you can bring to your work life AND your personal life.

 

Curiosity at Work

It is so easy to blame others (or ourselves) when things go wrong. Consider being curious about your experiences rather than critical. For example, instead of beating yourself up, or blaming someone else, for not reaching your performance goals—again—try asking yourself what is going on for you that keeps your performance below your expectations?

 

You can ask questions like:

• What could have done differently?
• What can I learn from this performance?
• What will be my next step?

 

With an attitude of genuine curiosity in coming to understand the current reality, you are more likely to help yourself find new and more creative solutions to achieving your goals or helping others achieve their goals.

Cultivating a curious mind also improves your ability to think more strategically. Asking questions like:

• What’s possible for my department to achieve in the coming year?
• Where is the next wave of opportunity in my client base?
• What if I looked at our challenges from a different perspective?

 

Questions like these coming from a curious mind, shift your perspective from the here and now to points in the future and help you begin the process of building your strategic roadmap.

 

Curiosity in Life

Helen Keller said, “Life is a daring adventure or nothing at all!” When you foster an attitude of curiosity, doors open and adventures begin; questions lead to new possibilities. For example, asking yourself “What do I want to learn now and where might that lead me?” can set you on a journey of exciting exploration that moves you forward.

If, instead, you come from the place of “I already know what I need to know,” you shut off the possibility of discovering something new that could rock your world.

 

So shake off those old, outdated beliefs you have about being curious. Walt Disney, friend of 6 year olds everywhere, said: “We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we're curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.”

 

If you truly want to expand your excitement, joy and fulfillment in your work and your personal life, keep those Why? Who? When? Where? How? and What? questions coming.

 

What do you think? How has being curious benefitted you in your career or in your personal life?  What have you learned about being curious?

 

To your success,

 

Mary

 

What Does It Take to “Flourish”?

 

“Happiness depends upon ourselves.”

~Aristotle

I never thought I’d see this smiley face on the cover of my Harvard Business Review. Happiness discussed in a hard core business journal? And yet, there it was. That big happy grin was staring up at me as the most recent issue landed on my desk.

 

But in actuality, the influence and impact of positive psychology in the business community has grown leaps and bounds in the last several years. Just last year, Martin Seligman, who’s widely touted as the father of positive psychology, published the book, Flourish, a resource that highlights the latest research in the field.

 

And from Seligman’s perspective, the field of positive psychology has grown way beyond just the concept of “authentic happiness” to include what he terms as our overall “well being.” In Flourish, Seligman cites five key elements from the research that contribute to our well being:

 

1. Positive emotion- happiness and life satisfaction
2. Engagement-think “flow” or when you’re fully engrossed in a task
3. Relationships that are positive
4. Meaning- belonging to and serving something that you believe is bigger than yourself
5. Accomplishment pursued for its own sake

 

Think PERMA for short.

 

No one element defines “well being” but each contributes to it. Well being is a combination of feeling good as well as having meaning, good relationships and accomplishments. So maximizing all five of these elements leads to a flourishing life. Way better than just “happy.”

 

I’m able to apply Seligman’s concept of well being with my clients though their EQi 2.0 emotional intelligence self assessment. The assessment provides the client with a “well being indicator.”  It’s a great coaching tool and starting point in helping them learn more about themselves and what areas they can focus on to increase their well being, and ultimately, flourish.

 

What about you? Are you flourishing? What are the areas in your life and work that could use a tweak or a fresh look?

 

To your success,

Mary

Which wolf will you feed in 2012?

 

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle

that goes on inside people.

He said, “My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” 

“The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.” 

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather,

“Which wolf wins?”

 The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

~Anonymous

 

Exactly two years ago this week, I was finishing up a great holiday vacation with my family in Florida. The trip was wonderful although on the day I wrote my blog post, “Which wolf will you feed in 2010?” the weather was unseasonably cold (40) for the fifth day in a row and I was struggling with my mood.

 

Stay positive, I wrote. Focus on the “Good” that I experienced during the week: good time with my family, good food and celebrations, good exercise and a jumpstart on my year’s fitness goals. “Feed the wolf with what’s right” rather than dwelling on what’s wrong.

 

Fast forward to today. I’m back in Florida with my family, and up until today (it was 32 this morning), the weather has been excellent. But today’s frosty Florida weather takes me back to my continued commitment of two years ago: to focus on the positive, to focus on helping my clients build on their strengths and to focus on helping them create what’s possible both in their professional and personal lives.

 

In short, using Martin Seligman’s term, my continued focus and effort for 2012 is to help my clients “flourish.”

 

So how about you? Which wolf will you feed in 2012? How will you create the opportunities in your life to flourish?

To your success,

 

Mary

Seasons of Love

 

“You know that love is a gift from up above

Share love, give love, spread love

Measure, measure your life in love.”

 Seasons of Love: Lyrics from the Broadway musical “Rent”

 

About 15 years ago around the holiday, my sisters and I planned a weekend trip to New York City with our then, 80 year old mother. It was to be a big weekend for her, a dream trip to the Metropolitan Opera to see her favorite opera, La Boheme. So for Friday night, we booked front row seats at The Met.

 

On Saturday night, we planned to take her to a Broadway play. My older sister heard great reviews on what was then the hot new ticket on Broadway, the musical Rent. To top it off, the story line of Rent was based on what was a modern day version of La Boheme. This would be perfect….

 

As it turned out, our well planned weekend was derailed when our Friday flight from Ohio was snowed in. Yes, we missed our Friday night at the Met. We were disappointed but looked forward to our “La Boheme like” musical for Saturday.

 

“Rent” did not disappoint. The music was fantastic and although the story line was a bit “modern” for my Mom, she took it in stride. (She dozed on and off through most of it, but woke up during peak moments where the expletives were flying!)

 

In the end, it was still for all of us, a memory of a lifetime.

 

So at this time of year, as I reflect on my past “Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes,” I’m reminded that it was a year of growth, learning, hard work, many successes and some setbacks.

 

But mostly, I’m filled with gratitude for the love and support of family, clients and friends. For me, it truly is a Season of Love.

 

Warm wishes for a wonderful holiday and a prosperous New Year!

To your success,

 

Mary

 

 

 

 

A Pre-Holiday Reminder

 

“I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element. 

It is my personal approach that creates the climate. 

It is my daily mood that makes the weather. 

I possess tremendous power to make a life miserable or joyous.”

~Goethe

 

Thanksgiving is almost here. And (if you ask the retailers), the Christmas holiday is right around the corner. Great times to spend with family and friends. And yes, time for increased “to-dos” and often self-inflicted stress.

 

The quote above is one of my favorites. It reminds me that my emotions are contagious. That I am in charge of what I think and how I behave. It reminds me that having my family all together at Thanksgiving is a joy and one I look forward to each year, even if the turkey doesn’t come out perfectly.

 

So when you feel like getting irritated with your Aunt Jane who always comes late to dinner or make yourself crazy by adding one more (unimportant) task to your list, remind yourself that you are instrumental in creating your climate.  And how you choose to behave will have lasting impact on those who mean the most to you.

 

You possess the power to make a life miserable or joyous. Which one do you choose?

 

 

To your success,

 

Mary

Three Good Things

 

“No pessimists ever discovered the secret of the stars or sailed to an unchartered land

 or opened a new heaven to the human spirit.”

~Helen Keller

 

I’m usually a very optimistic person. But this week, after the fifth consecutive day of rain, grey skies and 40 degree “spring” weather, I have to admit, my mood was a bit grey as well. “Life” (and the crummy weather) got the best of me and I needed to snap out of it.

Timing is everything.  Yesterday, I was reminded by a fellow coaching colleague of the power of positivity. Larry, also a part time college professor who teaches a course on Positive Psychology, hosted a discussion on the topic at our monthly International Coach Federation chapter meeting. Positive psychology has surged in popularity in recent years due to the work of researchers like Martin Seligman, Barbara Frederickson and Chris Petersen. They’ve shared tons of scientific data that show the power of a positive, optimistic, hope-filled approach to life.

I’ve always been a big fan of positive psychology and I focus on a positive and strengths-based approach with my coaching clients. So I know this stuff intellectually. But this week, I just needed to get my heart aligned with my head.

Larry shared an exercise that he has his students do. Try it and see what you think.

Three Good Things – At the end of each day, after dinner and before going to bed, write down three things that went well during your day (can be small – loaned notes from class – or large – sister just gave birth).  Add a brief explanation of why the event was a good one and why it happened.  Do this every night for a week. This exercise will help you train your brain to look for the bright spots in every day.

And it will make you realize that lots of good things are happening. In fact, they’re always there. We sometimes just forget to look.

 

To your success,

Mary

 

 

FOXY

“The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity.

This optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.”

 ~Winston Churchill

 

“This is the best salmon I’ve EVER had!” Sally, also known as “Foxy”, beamed as she expressed her compliments to the chef.  You’d think we were dining at a 5 star restaurant. Actually, those were the words describing a pressed slab of grilled salmon on a stark white plate at Max & Erma’s last Saturday. Foxy shared her pleasure with the waitress who actually looked puzzled by the feedback.

But we just smiled. That positivity was continually on display during the time that my husband, Marty, and I spent with spent with Foxy during our nursing home visit and lunch excursion last weekend.  You see, Foxy is a perfectly sharp 91 year old (young) woman. She’s eaten at many fine restaurants in her long life but this experience, this salmon, was the best EVER.

But it was more than just the salmon. Sally asked about our daughters, where they were living and what they were doing in their respective worlds. She is fully engaged in the world. She follows sports and politics and is up on the latest results with the oil spill. And because she knows of our connections to the financial world (my husband is a banking lawyer and I have a background as a CPA), she asked with interest for our opinions on the latest attempts at financial regulations.

I first met Sally, oh I mean Foxy, about three years ago. She is a friend of one of my sister’s and through an odd set of Sally’s family connections, Sally settled in a Toledo nursing home to be closer to her family. Sally shares a 10x10, linoleum floored room with her roommate Evelyn (“who’s always cranky”) but that doesn’t deter Sally.  “I love it here!”  Sally readily admits.

Over the years since I’ve known Sally, I’ve visited her sporadically. And each time I visit, her attitude and disposition have never wavered.  She’s had us captivated during a few holiday dinners where she has shared her background and experiences (certainly not all positive) but through it all, she remains hope filled and full of enthusiasm and joy.

Foxy is a reminder to all of us of the power of positivity. I know through my coaching work and research that emotions are contagious. Now when I just think of Foxy, I smile. She confirms all the research out there and reminds me what an impact my moods and disposition can have on others.

How about you? What’s your approach to the world?

To your success,

Mary

Celebrate!

It’s April 16th and many of my clients and friends are practicing CPAs. For the last several months they’ve been wrapped up in what’s affectionately referred to by the profession as “busy season.” Completion of numerous financial audits, corporate and personal tax returns and consulting projects related to those year-end compliance deadlines have been mercilessly compacted into a calendar period of a very short three and a half months. The workload is intense and exhausting. And so when April 15th comes around, there is a huge (and, of course temporary) sigh of relief. It’s clearly time to celebrate!

 

For about fifteen years, during my career as a practicing CPA, I spent the evening of April 15^th celebrating with my colleagues. It didn’t matter that I was involved in audits or consulting projects that did not have an actual date tie-in with the federal income tax code. (It’s like what your mother says about good manners: “You don’t leave the table until everyone has finished their meal.”) April 15^th was the date that our firm celebrated as one community. Our 4/15 party was an opportunity for each of us to express gratitude for the effort of our team members. It was an opportunity to connect with each other in an environment that was celebratory, to remind each of us that we are part of a bigger community.

 

David Campbell of the Center for Creative Leadership says: “Celebrations are the punctuation marks that make sense of the passage of time; without them, there are no beginnings and endings. Life becomes an endless series of Wednesdays.”

 

I know, I know. Some celebrations (i.e. individuals) can get out of hand or be cranky from months of intense and hard work. But the celebration I’m talking about is an opportunity for the team, the firm or your department to feel a sense of unity around what you’ve accomplished and pride in a job well done. Time to reflect on what went right and commit to taking a hard look at what didn’t.

 

So even if you’re not a CPA completing “busy season,” think about the next major project or milestone that you have coming up. Anticipate its completion. Build celebration into your team’s calendar. Terrence Deal and M.K. Key, in their book Corporate Celebration provide some examples of opportunities to celebrate.

 

Cyclical celebrations—seasonal themes, corporate anniversaries, key milestones

Recognition ceremonies—best in class, achieving a special recognition

Celebrations of triumph—beating forecasts, launching a new product, opening a new office

Rituals for comfort and letting go—loss of a contract, layoffs of employees, site closings

Personal transitions—retirements, other life transitions

Workplace altruism—pulling together to help others, showing appreciation to clients

 

Take advantage of the celebration as an opportunity to honor your achievement and build community at the same time. Say thank you, acknowledge your team’s efforts and cheer each other on for the next major milestone. This kind of support goes far beyond a one-time party. Its impact will be long remembered. I know I still remember mine.

 

So celebrate. It’s April 16^th!

 

To your success,

 

Mary

 

 

 

 

 

Which wolf will you feed in 2010?

 

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

 

He said, “My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”

 

“The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.”

 

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf wins?”

 

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”  

 

Anonymous

 

 

  

This year, which wolf will you feed?

 

It’s tempting, I know, to focus on the negatives. It’s seems easier to focus on our weaknesses and “what’s wrong.” Today, I’m having that same battle myself. I’m writing this post from Florida, the site of our family holiday vacation. It’s a brisk 40° outside and the weather has been unseasonably cold since the day we arrived. Our vision of sitting on the beach in the warm Florida sunshine has all but evaporated. Yes, I have to admit, the weather has been a bit of a disappointment and at times my bright mood has dipped along with the temperature. But when I reflect and focus on the week I’ve spent enjoying my family, relaxing, reading, sleeping, walking, and of course, eating great meals and enjoying a fun New Years Eve celebration, the Good surfaces.

 

Developing leadership skills based on a strengths based model is like feeding the Good wolf.  As an executive coach, I have the opportunity to coach outstanding individuals and support corporate sponsors who believe in the capabilities of those they refer my way. Utilizing my Retained Learnings model, together we focus on leveraging individual and unique strengths in order to develop those leadership competencies required for their role. Focusing on strengths and “what’s right” allows my clients to gain confidence and momentum. Building this confidence enables them to face their leadership challenges and work to develop the new skills required to excel in their roles.

 

So what about you? Which wolf will you feed in 2010? There are scientifically validated tools and assessments available for measuring your character strengths. The Values In Action Signature Strengths (VIA-IS) is one such assessment. Know your signature strengths and use this knowledge as a foundation for building on your leadership skills. In the end, the choice is yours.

 

To your success,

 

Mary

Rule Number 6

 

Two prime ministers are sitting in a room discussing affairs of state. Suddenly a man bursts in, apoplectic with fury, shouting and stamping and banging his fist on the desk. The resident prime minister admonishes him:  “Peter,” he says, “kindly remember Rule Number 6,” whereupon Peter is instantly restored to complete calm, apologizes, and withdraws.

 

The politicians return to their conversation, only to be interrupted yet again twenty minutes later by a hysterical woman gesticulating wildly, her hair flying. Again the intruder is greeted with the words: “Marie, please remember Rule Number 6.” Complete calm descends once more, and she too withdraws with a bow and an apology.

 

When the scene is repeated for a third time, the visiting prime minister addresses his colleague: “My dear friend, I’ve seen many things in my life, but never anything as remarkable as this. Would you be willing to share with me the secret of Rule Number 6?”

 

 “Very simple,” replies the resident prime minister. “Rule Number 6 is ‘Don’t take yourself so damned seriously.’” “Ah,” says his visitor, “that is a fine rule.” After a moment of pondering, he inquires, “And what, may I ask are the other rules?”

 

“There aren’t any.”

 

This story is shared in a wonderful book entitled The Art of Possibility. The book was written by Rosamund Zander and Benjamin Zander, who has been a long time conductor of the Boston Philharmonic Orchestra. The book describes a series of practices that we can use to shift our perspective to a world of possibility and Rule Number 6 is one such practice.

 

These are serious times for sure. But humor and laughter can bring us back to reality and help put our life and situations in proper perspective. When we let go and lighten up, we can free the demanding, critical, and controlling parts of ourselves and open up to a world of “what’s possible.”

 

So go ahead. Lighten up and get out of your own way. Step back from your intensity and your need to be right. Smile and breathe. Put aside your pride and pigheadedness and approach the world from a position of what’s possible rather than what can’t be done.

 

Kindly remember Rule Number 6.

 

To your success,

 

Mary