TheLeadershipNotebook

Stuffing It

 

“Anybody can become angry-that is easy,

but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree

and at the right time and for the right purpose and in the right way-

that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.”

~Aristotle

 

 

I write and speak often about the concepts of emotional intelligence and the impact your EQ skill level can have on your career (and your personal life.) Specifically, I’ve discussed an EQ topic that is affectionately called an amygdala highjack: that point when your lizard brain takes over and your emotions cause you to say or do something that can lead to regret, embarrassment and outcomes that are often worse.

 

But there’s an opposite side of that coin: stuffing your emotions. Refusing to be assertive or even express what you’re feeling can be just as career-limiting as “popping off.”  That’s what’s happening to my client, Dan (not his real name).

Dan’s EQ 2.0 self-assessment reflected low scores in emotional expression and assertiveness and a high score in impulse control. Not an emotionally intelligent combination.

 

During our results review session, Dan shared his boss’s negative 360 feedback, which pretty much confirmed Dan’s self assessment. And according to his boss, Dan’s lack of emotional expression and assertiveness is severely limiting his career progression.

You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to understand the mental and physiological cost of stuffing your emotions. But there are additional costs as well. Here are a few more:

To relationships and trust: Relationships and trust are both built on two-way communication and sharing.

To perceptions: Sometimes this behavior can be seen as predictable or calculated, often sending the wrong message.

To respect and influence: It’s difficult to have influence and garner respect when those you lead don’t know where you stand.

 

What Dan (or You) Can Do

1. Become more aware of the types of emotions he has trouble expressing at work and understand what triggers them.

2. Look for a role model who he feels successfully expresses their emotions. He should seek their advice and perspective on what works for them.

 3. Tap into his skills in empathy and emotional self awareness to pay more attention to how others react when he does express his emotions.  

4. Understand what situations cause him to be less assertive than he should be. What situations make him cave?  

5. Sometimes when we don’t speak up, it’s because we are mired in thought when others want action. Think about that in advance of making a decision. What information or evidence will you need in order to feel comfortable acting.

 

Aristotle was right. It is difficult to express your emotions to the right degree at the right time for the right purpose in the right way. We know that an emotional explosion is not the right approach but neither is stuffing them.

Emotional intelligence skills CAN be learned. In fact, ultimately, your career success counts on it. Just ask Dan.

To your success,

 

Mary

A Different Look at Leadership

 

"The function of leadership is to produce more leaders, not more followers."

~Ralph Nader

 

 

 

Meet Dip, Dot and their “dad,” Bill. I’ve seen Dip and Dot each summer when they travel from their home in Columbus, Ohio, to Catawba Island for their summer vacation.

 

Each evening, Dip and Dot follow their dad down to the lake to take their evening swim. Dip and Dot have “imprinted” onto Bill, who apparently was the first object they saw when they were born.

 

For me, watching Dip and Dot reminds me of the incredible responsibility we have as 
leaders. What leadership traits are we imprinting on our young professionals?  

 

Are we showing them what real leadership is all about? What type of leader are we creating in our organizations?

 

And here's a big one: Would your staff follow you anywhere?

 

Dip and Dot are so fun to watch as they head down for their evening swim. But the leadership traits we imprint and the cultures that we create in our organizations are no laughing matter.

 

To your success,

 

Mary

 

 

 

 

 

Do You Have “Executive Presence”?

 

“Because everything we say and do is the length and shadow of our own souls,

 our influence is determined by the quality of our being.”

~Dale E. Turner

 

On Wednesday, I had the honor of presenting at the Association for Accounting Marketing’s 2011 Summit. The Summit attracted over 500 marketing professionals whose focus is to take their member firms to new heights. I spoke to a great group of 50 in a breakout session on one of my favorite topics: Emotional Intelligence (EQ): The Cornerstone of Executive Presence.

As I shared with them, ultimately “executive presence” is all about having influence. The kind of influence that compels others to take note of your thoughts, ideas and input. And I can’t think of a group of professionals who must be more influential than marketers, especially to the CPA profession. Marketing leaders must influence their internal stakeholders to accept their ideas and strategies and they must influence their external stakeholders to select their firms.

With our executive presence, what we display on the outside comes from the core of our emotions on the inside. And so it comes as no surprise that the level of our emotional intelligence skillset is ultimately key to the power of our executive presence.

As leaders, we are continually in the spotlight. Our bosses, our direct reports, our peers look at how we display our confidence, our assertiveness and how we handle stress.

So what do you project in your spotlight? Confident, courageous communication? A calm, unflappable demeanor?

 

 

I met many great marketing professionals at the Summit. Their firms are fortunate that their marketing strategy and execution are in such capable hands.

To your success,

Mary