TheLeadershipNotebook

Nice or Helpful?

 

“The only healthy communication style is assertive communication.”

~Jim Rohn

 

Last week I wrote my blog post, Top Dog on a Tightrope, on the importance of being assertive. This morning, I read a post by HBR blogger and leadership consultant Peter Bregman titled, Don’t Be Nice, Be Helpful. His post shared a similar message but applied being assertive to the critical skill of providing constructive feedback. Do you want to be nice or helpful?

Given that one of our key leadership requirements is developing others, learning how to assertively communicate constructive feedback is imperative. But how many times do we hold back, not wanting to “hurt someone’s feelings” when NOT providing the feedback can be even more cruel? We know deep down that being assertive and honest can actually be a gift to the receiver.

The following are some suggestions I give to my clients when giving constructive feedback:

• When preparing yourself for the feedback conversation, tune into your skill of empathy. Imagine that you are on the receiving end of your comments and craft your message accordingly.

 

• Set the stage for the feedback conversation so your employee is mentally prepared for it.  For best results, set a location that is private and power neutral.

 

• State the behavior, observation or situation objectively. Be as specific and factual as possible. Avoid making inferences or stating opinions which are easily debatable and less useful for the listener.

 

• Communicate the significance of the situation. Share the impact of your employee’s behavior, error or actions on your stakeholders, team or organization.

 

• Dialogue with your staff about possible solutions to the situation. Ask for their perspective on how they could resolve the situation.

 

• Express your sincere interest in your employee’s development and confidence in their abilities. Ongoing feedback, especially positive feedback, is crucial for his or her development. It is one of your fundamental responsibilities as a leader.

 

There’s no way around it. Assertiveness is a skill that you just can’t ignore.

To your success,

Mary

 

The Crucial Conversation

As I pulled out of my driveway this morning with my radio tuned to WJR, the morning host, Paul W. Smith, was introducing his next guest to shed light on how a headline – and soon to be punch-line – could likely have been avoided. Seems that a Jet Blue flight attendant caused one major commotion yesterday when he lost it with an angry passenger and then left the grounded plane in dramatic fashion by inflating the emergency exit ramp, only to be arrested upon arriving on solid ground.  Not a good situation for the flight attendant, the passenger or Jet Blue.

My ears perked up when I heard that Smith’s guest was Joseph Grenny, one of the authors of the best-selling book, Crucial Conversations.  Grenny shared his insight on the Jet Blue situation and the powerful impact that a composed, articulated conversation can have in a difficult situation. I’ve seen their process work, time and time again, and I use the book frequently in my coaching work to help clients address tough situations head on.

Coincidentally, that’s exactly the kind of meeting I was headed to.  One of the firm’s long time partners had consistently behaved intolerably and the two partners who hired me told me they’d had enough but were stumped. Both of them had avoided confronting this behavior for a long time. This morning, we talked about several possible action steps for addressing the situation but none appeared to be quite right.  

“Maybe this situation simply calls for a crucial conversation.” I said. Now their ears perked up. It was time for the straight forward approach. "Crucial" conversations happen when emotions run strong, opinions vary and the stakes are high. The Crucial Conversations approach is a seven-point strategy geared toward getting people to lower their defenses, creating mutual respect and understanding, increasing emotional safety, and encouraging freedom of expression.

Could it be that simple and straight forward to address a situation with the mutual benefit of both parties in mind? Straight forward, yes. Simple, not so much. But certainly this conversation was the partners’ first but, “crucial” step.

How about you? Are there crucial conversations that you need to have? Letting intolerable situations fester does not get you the results you’re looking for. Just ask the flight attendant from Jet Blue.

To your success,

Mary

 

 

 

Full Effort is Full Victory

 

Yesterday was Father’s Day and for me it’s always a time for reflection and remembering my Dad who passed away over 30 years ago. He died suddenly at age 56 (I am now 54…) and I was only was 22 at the time. He was alive one second and gone the next. And even though many years have passed, fond memories of my Dad remain.

My Dad was a loving task master and a strict disciplinarian for each of his five children. He highly valued education and inspired each us to attend college (non-negotiable) and for some of us to go on to earn our Masters degrees and, for my eldest brother, even a PhD.

He was an encourager but set his expectations very high for each of us. I remember vividly these expectations translating into my grades at school. For me, he expected only A’s, a “B” or below clearly was not acceptable.  So I worked hard, always wanting to please him and make sure I lived up to his high standards. This effort translated into achieving lots of success in college, and later on, in my career.

But because my Dad died before I hit real adulthood, I missed out on the adult dialogue and understanding of what he really wanted for me. In my 20s and 30s, without the benefit of his clarification, I translated these high expectations into a drive for perfection, afraid to fail, afraid to fall short.  

But as I continued to grow and gain perspective, I came to realize that what he really wanted for me was to achieve my full potential. To work at a level he believed I was capable of. I’m thankful for my Dad and for the 22 years I had with him. Now I know what he was looking for.

Gandhi said it best, “Satisfaction lies in the effort, not in the attainment. Full effort is full victory.” I know that’s what my Dad’s real message was all along.

To your success,

Mary

You Had Me at “HELLO”

 

“Everyone has an invisible sign hanging from their neck saying,

 'Make me feel important.' Never forget this message when working with people.”

~ Mary Kay Ash

 

It’s summer, that time of year when many students in their 20s and 30s are involved in internships. CPA firms, law firms, corporations and organizations around the country (and around the world) bring young business students, aspiring lawyers and others into their organizations to experience their desired profession first hand.

Some are paid internships, others are unpaid, but regardless, an internship experience can be a source of intellectual stimulation for the student or a positive introduction to a team or firm’s culture, or better yet, both. The student can be challenged to learn from different situations and be made to feel (at least for the summer) to be an integral part of an organization. The result can be a win-win, even if the firm and the student go separate ways after the summer experience. Goodwill, long term connections and future opportunities abound.

The flip side experience includes giving your intern boring or menial work, an environment in isolation or worse, exposure to unfriendly professionals who make little effort to connect with these young students. What a lost opportunity.

I’ve talked to numerous summer interns in the last couple years, curious about their experience. Two of my daughters (one MBA student, one law student) are involved in internships this summer and many of my client firms bring on summer interns. Plus, I spent the very first part of my career as an intern and as a result of my experience have long standing relationships with my many of my former colleagues (even having met them as a 20 something). Admittedly, the work wasn’t always the most challenging but I was always made to feel connected to the firm.

My takeaway from all these conversations and my own experience is simple:

Ø  These young professionals want you to say HELLO.  They want you to invite them to lunch, to ask about their career aspirations or their successes in their academic programs. They are hungry to connect with you but they are young and hesitant to make the first move.

 

Ø  They want meaningful work. I don’t mean to draft a complex legal complaint from scratch or generate a tax provision for a Fortune 500 company. They want to contribute SOMETHING for the efforts that they make. They are looking for experience and education at levels appropriate to their knowledge base and capability. This is probably the most challenging aspect of crafting an exceptional internship experience.

 

Ø  They want to hear about your experience. How did you rise up through the ranks? What are your tips or suggestions for them as they navigate through business school, law school or graduate school?

Trust me, you had them at HELLO. Ask yourself: How can I make a difference in these interns’ summer experience? You only get one shot.

To your success,

Mary