Robert Sutton, the author of Good Boss, Bad Boss, almost titled his book “Top Dog on a Tightrope.” Frankly, it’s a very apropos visual for the role of a great boss. But what interested me when I read his book was his discussion of the importance of assertiveness in our everyday leadership. Assertiveness is one of the core EQ skills that impact our ability to have influence and effectiveness in our role.
Being assertive often gets confused with being aggressive. There is a BIG difference between the two. Sharon Bower, in Asserting Yourself, states that “The basic difference between being assertive and being aggressive is how our words and behavior affect the rights and well being of others.”
Assertiveness is our ability to confidently express your feelings, beliefs, and thoughts and to defend your rights in a nondestructive and safe manner. It IS like walking a tightrope. But research done by two Columbia University professors, Daniel Ames and Frank Flynn, suggests that “striking the right balance between being too assertive and not assertive enough is immensely important to being (and being perceived as) a great boss.”
Our self-awareness (another critical EQ skill) is key to our ability to demonstrate the appropriate level of assertiveness in any given moment or situation. We must be aware of what we’re feeling, why we’re feeling it and how others may react in any given circumstance. There’s that tightrope again.
The good news is that assertiveness, just like other EQ skills, can be developed. Here are a few ideas to help you develop your assertiveness:
1. Identify two or three people whom you believe to be assertive. Describe the behaviors that you have labeled as assertive. What do those behaviors have in common?
2. Write down a recent event in which you behaved passively. Now write down the thoughts (self-talk) you had that guided you towards passivity and away from Assertiveness. What did you worry would happen if you were assertive? Listen carefully to your self-talk to find out. Were you worried about hurting the other person? Were you afraid they might get mad and hurt you (physically and/or otherwise)? How do you picture yourself acting if you had chosen to be assertive rather than passive? What would you have said? How do you picture the other person responding?
3. Write down a recent event in which you acted aggressively, i.e., told someone off unnecessarily, raised your voice in a threatening way, actually made threats, etc. Afterwards, what was your reaction to yourself? How did the other person react? What were you thinking during the event? Assertive behavior does not put others down, disrespect them, or try to dominate or control them.
Over the next couple weeks, on a daily basis, continue to write down events in which you were passive, aggressive, or assertive. Pay particular attention to the self-talk you used during each event and write it down.
Assertiveness is a critical skill that impacts both your personal and professional life. It’s a constant balancing act, just like the dog on the tightrope. But as Sutton says, “while everyone misjudges a step now and then, the best ones fall less often, because they have the skill to make constant and correct adjustments to stay out of trouble.”
How do you perform on your leadership tightrope?
To your success,
Mary