TheLeadershipNotebook

Connections and Community

 

“We have all known the long loneliness and we have learned

that the only solution is love and that love comes with community.”

~ Dorothy Day, legendary social activist

 

This is a guest post written by Elizabeth Conlisk, Vice President of Communications and University Relations  for Big Ten Network (and, full disclosure, Elizabeth is my sister).

 

When I first moved to Chicago for my job just over five years ago, I knew one person. It didn’t really matter for about the first 11 months because I was working nonstop to help launch the Big Ten Network. Any free time was spent sleeping, working out or fulfilling family obligations. (Lots of graduations that year!)

So, when the dust settled from all that hubbub, I lifted my head up and realized that it was time to make some friends, time to build some connections in my new city and time to build my community.

 

The first thing I did was start a book club, which had been such a source of friendship back in Columbus. I’ve had the same experience here. Not only was I able to convince two of my first new friends here to join, they and others have brought their friends. And don’t tell my Columbus book club, but the Windy City Book Club is my favorite ever.

Making some connections was next on my list. I joined a couple of professional organizations and met some people who graciously introduced me to others in their networks.  I’m a part of a Midwest communicators group that consists of other PR professionals who give me insight into their worlds which can be very similar to, and very different, from mine.

 

And I frequently attend inspirational and informative talks. Chicago Ideas Week is this week and I’ve heard some amazing speakers give their views on innovation and disruption.

But building a community for myself has been a bigger challenge. I’m happy getting together one-on-one with friends and neighbors, but have wanted to connect with something bigger than myself, with others who have a shared purpose.

 

One step I took was joining the Chicago board of the Positive Coaching Alliance, which helps students, parents and coaches be “better people, better athletes.” Given the role sports played in my youth and adolescence and how it plays such an important role in my professional life, joining PCA made perfect sense. And it’s been rewarding to see our chapter grow over the past year.

I think I’m on the right track, but feel there’s more I can do to really and truly create the life I want to live.

What about you? Is your community all it can be?

Thanks for your insights, Elizabeth. 

 

To your success,

 

Mary

 

Stuffing It

 

“Anybody can become angry-that is easy,

but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree

and at the right time and for the right purpose and in the right way-

that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.”

~Aristotle

 

 

I write and speak often about the concepts of emotional intelligence and the impact your EQ skill level can have on your career (and your personal life.) Specifically, I’ve discussed an EQ topic that is affectionately called an amygdala highjack: that point when your lizard brain takes over and your emotions cause you to say or do something that can lead to regret, embarrassment and outcomes that are often worse.

 

But there’s an opposite side of that coin: stuffing your emotions. Refusing to be assertive or even express what you’re feeling can be just as career-limiting as “popping off.”  That’s what’s happening to my client, Dan (not his real name).

Dan’s EQ 2.0 self-assessment reflected low scores in emotional expression and assertiveness and a high score in impulse control. Not an emotionally intelligent combination.

 

During our results review session, Dan shared his boss’s negative 360 feedback, which pretty much confirmed Dan’s self assessment. And according to his boss, Dan’s lack of emotional expression and assertiveness is severely limiting his career progression.

You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to understand the mental and physiological cost of stuffing your emotions. But there are additional costs as well. Here are a few more:

To relationships and trust: Relationships and trust are both built on two-way communication and sharing.

To perceptions: Sometimes this behavior can be seen as predictable or calculated, often sending the wrong message.

To respect and influence: It’s difficult to have influence and garner respect when those you lead don’t know where you stand.

 

What Dan (or You) Can Do

1. Become more aware of the types of emotions he has trouble expressing at work and understand what triggers them.

2. Look for a role model who he feels successfully expresses their emotions. He should seek their advice and perspective on what works for them.

 3. Tap into his skills in empathy and emotional self awareness to pay more attention to how others react when he does express his emotions.  

4. Understand what situations cause him to be less assertive than he should be. What situations make him cave?  

5. Sometimes when we don’t speak up, it’s because we are mired in thought when others want action. Think about that in advance of making a decision. What information or evidence will you need in order to feel comfortable acting.

 

Aristotle was right. It is difficult to express your emotions to the right degree at the right time for the right purpose in the right way. We know that an emotional explosion is not the right approach but neither is stuffing them.

Emotional intelligence skills CAN be learned. In fact, ultimately, your career success counts on it. Just ask Dan.

To your success,

 

Mary

The "Firsts"

 

It’s back to school time. Lots of parents I know are experiencing the angst that comes with their child’s first day of school. Whether its kindergarten, high school or the start of college, regardless of how old they are, these “firsts” generate lots of emotion for us as parents. These changes bring with them excitement, pride, sadness and of course a good dose of worry.

 

For me, this year’s back to school season brings with it a “first” of a different nature. Our daughter, Emily, just landed her first “official” career job. Oh, she’s had part time jobs and summer internships but this is her first job post law school and she’s headed to Washington DC in a week to start.

Emily, our third and youngest child, is officially on her way and headed out into the world to make her way. And with Emily’s departure, the last of the Werner’s will be “launched.”

 

It’s bittersweet for us. My husband and I know that our job as parents has not come to a close but rather enters a brand new chapter. But it seems like yesterday.......

As I was sharing my emotions at the closing of this chapter, a colleague reminded me of Kahlil Gibran’s wisdom On Children included in The Prophet.

 

Maybe you need a reminder as well.

 

On Children
 Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

 

So get your bow ready. It’s comes up fast and bending it is harder than you think.

To your success,

 

Mary

 

An Unexpected Bonus

 

“Patience is not passive. On the contrary, it is active. It is concentrated strength.”

~Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton

 

I had a coaching meeting this week with “Rick,” a Partner of a very successful CPA firm. For some background, Rick is a “go getter,” operating with a sense of urgency in everything he does. This style worked well for Rick in the early years of his career. He could be relied on to get stuff done and that sense of urgency translated into great productivity.

That was then. Now as a Partner, Rick must get work accomplished with and through others. That’s difficult to do when you haven’t taken the time to build relationships with or develop others. When you rush about, not listening or connecting with those individuals you lead and rely on to deliver great work.

Rick has realized that in order for his practice to grow, to continue his success at work, he needed to make some changes.

Thus Rick came to me for coaching to build his self-awareness and get a handle on his impatience and de-motivating leadership style. Rick embraced the coaching from the beginning, learning about himself through self assessments and the questions we discussed during our coaching sessions. In addition he focused on practicing patience in his daily interactions.

Not only has he been practicing patience at work, he’s also been practicing patience at home with his wife and three young children. He had a real chance to practice with his kids on a recent family vacation. In fact, Rick just got back from an 8 day trip. All five of them traveled in a minivan to 6 different cities throughout the south. Yikes! This would be a true test….

So, this week, it was a special bonus and a surprise to read a note written to me by Rick’s wife on what a difference his new found patience has made for their family, especially on their recent vacation. “Calm,” “engaged” and “thoroughly enjoyable” were some of the words his wife used to describe the “new Rick.” The kids even commented on how fun Dad was. Rick’s response: “For that reason alone, it is definitely worth all the hard work and practice.”

Very cool.

The letter is a great reminder that while our work behaviors are important to our “success,” how we show up in our personal life can be every bit as impactful.

What about you? Are you aware of how your behaviors impact others? Do you rush through life, never stopping to connect or be fully present to others? What are the implications at work AND at home?

To your success,

Mary

The End of the Command and Control Leader?

 

“In these troubled and uncertain times, we don’t need more command and control;

we need better means to engage everyone’s intelligence

in solving challenges and crises as they arise.”

~Margaret Wheatley

 

Command and control leaders. You love to hate them. These leaders are the “my way or the highway” type where the phrase “Just Do It” takes on quite a different meaning than Nike ever intended. But the reality is that this form of leadership has been the long standing default style for many leaders in our Firms and Corporations.  

I don’t know about you, but I’ve had the “pleasure” to work with more than a couple command and control type leaders in my years as a practicing CPA.  And my experience is consistent with the research on the negative impact of this leadership style:

No Flexibility   -- “My way or else.”

No Clarity   – “I only know what not to do.”

No Responsibility   – “Just doing my job.”

No Commitment   – “I’m just looking out for myself.”

But there is great news coming from a research study of 1,700 CEOs recently completed by IBM. The study reported that these leaders clearly see that the command and control leadership style is outdated and ineffective.

The implications are clear for the CPA profession as well. It’s time for Partners and Managers to move off this outdated and non-productive leadership style and embrace the leadership style that engages, inspires and aligns their professionals to outstanding performance and results. New behaviors can be learned and when CPA leaders see the positive impact on the bottom line, they’ll be more motivated than ever to shift their approach.

A New Era of Openness and Collaboration

The study also revealed what CEOs are looking for in employees, another clue that we’re moving in a direction that’s more open and collaborative. These CEO respondents want to recruit and hire people who excel at working in open, complex, and team-based environments. Highly valued skills are collaboration (75 percent), communication (67 percent), creativity (61 percent) and flexibility (61 percent).

It’s a new day and Firm and Corporate leadership must change with it.

How about you? What is your experience with “Command and Control” leaders? How do you see your leadership style shifting in today’s complex business environment?

To your success,

Mary

How's Your Radar?

 

“Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through

each other's eye for an instant?”

~Henry David Thoreau 

 

My dog Zoey should have been named “Radar.” She has an uncanny ability to sense what family members are feeling and react to those feelings in kind. Whether we’re watching an exciting basketball game on TV (she goes crazy when we do), or one of us is feeling sad or discouraged (she makes a bee line for our lap), Zoey, completely without judgment, is in tune with our feelings.

 

 

Possessing accurate radar is in a sense what the EQ skill of empathy is all about. And empathy is the fifth and final skill that I’ll discuss as being critical to becoming a “trusted advisor.”

When you have empathy, you are “tuned in” to how others are feeling. You are able to look at a problem or conflict from another person’s perspective. Empathy is also a critical skill for negotiation as well, understanding what the other side wants and working to create a win-win result. (So it’s far from a “touchy-feely” skill.)

Empathy involves understanding another’s perspective, even if theirs’ is much different from your own. (Remember, it’s without judgment.) It involves letting the other person know that you have understood them, thus creating a bond and a relationship that surpasses “box checking” or “order taking.” I requires patience and active listening.

According to David Maister, one of the key hallmarks of a trusted advisor is their “focus on the client rather than themselves.” That is the essence of empathy. To put yourself in the shoes of the client in order to see a challenge from their perspective, understand what they are feeling and why.  

This key EQ skill allows you to forge a strong bond of collaboration that helps you to solve your client’s problems and create successful and lasting client relationships.

Five EQ Skills Critical Trusted Advisor Skills

To recap, over the last several posts I’ve shared five key EQ skills:

1. Pursuit of Meaning: Your goal, desire and motivation to become a trusted advisor.
2. Emotional Self Awareness: You are aware of your emotions and how they impact your behavior and others.
3. Interpersonal Relationships: You have an ability to build and develop mutually satisfying relationships.
4. Problem Solving: You effectively use your emotions in the process of solving a problem by gathering information and making decisions without being emotionally distracted, stuck or overwhelmed in the process.  
5. Empathy: You are “in tune” with how others are feeling, understanding their perspectives and forging a bond that builds outstanding relationships.

 

The good news is that each of these EQ skills can be learned or enhanced. If your goal is to move your role from client server to the next level of trusted advisor, add these five skills to your foundation of technical expertise.  I know it can happen. I’ve witnessed my previously reticent coaching clients successfully make that shift.

What do you think? What are your perspectives on what it takes to be a trusted advisor?

 

To your success,

Mary

 

 

Solving Problems: Trusted Advisor Style

 

“It is very important to understand that emotional intelligence

is not the opposite of intelligence,

it is not the triumph of heart over head,

it is the unique intersection of both.”

~David Caruso

 

My last three blog posts discussed your desired movement from technician to becoming a trusted advisor for your clients and the EQ skills you must possess to make that move. The three EQ facets I’ve shared so far are:

1. Pursuit of Meaning: Your goal, desire and motivation is to become a trusted advisor
2. Emotional Self Awareness: Your awareness of your emotions and how they impact your behavior and others
3. Interpersonal Relationships: Your ability to develop mutually satisfying relationships

 

But even if you possess each of these emotional intelligence skills, in order to become a true trusted advisor you must still solve your client’s most challenging problems. And at the leader level, you must regularly solve their problems when the pressure is on, when the stakes are high and all focus is squarely on you. All while keeping your emotions in check.

In the realm of EQ, what does this problem solving skill entail? Problem solving in an EQ sense is not about the quality of your solutions, but rather at how effectively you use your emotions in the process of solving a problem. It’s your ability to gather information and make decisions without being emotionally distracted, stuck or overwhelmed in the process.

 

You can possess all the technical knowledge in the world but if your emotions cause you to be frozen in your decision making, unable to consider various perspectives or  avoid dealing with the problem all together, your technical expertise is of little use to your client.

 

It’s fitting that I’m writing this blog post on the day that one of my former business partners (and trusted advisor extraordinaire) retires from Plante & Moran. My dear friend, Brent Cousino, is one of the most amazing trusted advisors I’ve ever worked with.

 

Brent had many client facing roles at P&M and, regardless of his position, his clients could always count on Brent to solve their most challenging problems calmly and effectively. Pressure, deadlines, budgets and client expectations were a constant in Brent’s consulting role and he managed these challenges brilliantly. His clients knew that he would utilize his technical expertise combined with exceptional problem solving skills to make a difference for them. Especially when the stakes were high.

 

Oh, and he also possesses the first three EQ skills in droves! Brent will certainly take his trusted advisor skills on the next leg of his leadership journey.

 

How would evaluate your problem solving skills when emotions are in play? Can you be relied on to be there for your clients, cool headed, focused and determined?

 

Becoming a trusted advisor truly demands these superior problem solving skills.

 

To your success,

 

Mary

 

Rate Your Client Relationships: Are You a Trusted Advisor?

 

“At its core, trust is about relationships.”

~David Maister

 

In my last two blog posts, I talked about two of the five key EQ skills needed to move from technician to trusted advisor: self actualization and emotional self-awareness.

It won’t come as a shock to you that the third EQ skill is your ability to build mutually satisfying relationships. The key words here are mutually and satisfying.

We’ve all been in client relationships that are one-sided or give us heartburn. Those relationships can never make it to a true trusted advisor status.

What I’m talking about in a trusted advisor relationship is based on a mutual give and take. You must give a favor to earn a favor.  In trusted advisor speak, you must “display your willingness to make an investment in the relationship in order to earn your client’s trust.”

What efforts do you put into maintaining healthy and effective relationships with your clients? Is your talk all technical and single focused? How do you get to know them on a personal level? What matters to them? Do they know what matters to you?  In the end, building a strong relationship requires a certain level of vulnerability and a willingness to open yourself up.

And we all know that a relationship that’s strong and satisfying is one based on thoughtfulness and openness to another’s ideas. The idea of collaboration and connection to others is something that trusted advisors value. And when a conflict arises, both parties work to resolve issues in a manner that is respectful and professional.

There is a misconception that strong trusted advisor relationships can only be built when the advisor is extraverted or gregarious. Quite the contrary. One of the most effective legal advisors I know is quite introverted but has forged strong relationships with his clients in a more reserved, one on one manner. Still strong. Still effective. Still a trusted advisor. He just accomplishes it in a more low-key manner. And his clients love him. He is their “go-to guy.”

How would you rate your client relationships?

If you didn’t choose excellent, what’s holding you back from building deeper, more meaningful relationships with the clients you serve? Regardless of whether you’re an introvert or extravert, you can begin today to build the skills that it takes for forge mutually satisfying relationships with your clients and move yourself to that coveted “trusted advisor” status.

 

To your success,

 

Mary

Self-Awareness and the Trusted Advisor

 

“He who knows the universe and does not know himself knows nothing.”

~Jean De La Fontaine

 

So you’ve decided you want to move from technician to trusted advisor.

Last week’s blog post introduced the first required EQ skill of a trusted advisor: pursuit of meaning. It is your deep desire to achieve your goals and to make a difference for your clients. 

You’ve identified your strengths. You’ve reflected on what gives meaning to the work you do. You’ve tapped into the motivation you have to make the changes required to move to a role of trusted advisor.

But here’s the next critical piece of the trusted advisor puzzle. It’s your awareness of the emotions that you feel on an ongoing basis, your emotional self-awareness.

Self-awareness is a critical foundation of emotional intelligence and leadership because what we are unaware of, we cannot change. We must be conscious of what we are feeling, why we are feeling it and the impact these feelings have on others. And it’s the impact that makes all the difference.

In other words, if we cannot take our own “emotional temperature,” we are at risk of behaving in ways that undermine our ability to listen to, connect with or solve our client’s problems. In short, we inhibit our ability to move to a trusted advisor relationship.

My client, Joe*, could not understand why he was not as successful as he wanted to be in gaining traction with his client base. He had all the technical components down cold. He could answer any questions that he was asked about the tax code and the tax ramifications of his clients’ decisions. But he couldn’t move beyond the technical and develop a more trusting and collaborative relationships with his clients.

Joe was clueless. He was unaware that he was short with his clients, lacking patience in truly listening to their needs. He was irritated when he had to repeat the same answers over and over and let his clients know that in his body language and tone of voice. Joe had no idea how he was “showing up” and how he made his clients feel.

The goal of emotional self-awareness is to gain some fundamental understanding of what our trigger points are. This awareness helps us to manage ourselves in our daily interactions, to understand the situations that generate angst for us and to learn how to read our clients, enabling us to understand the impact of our behaviors on them.

When Joe took his emotional temperature over a two week period, he saw regular themes in his daily interactions. Joe kept a record over of two week period of the times he felt anger, happiness, anxiety, fear and sadness. He described the situations that triggered the feeling, the bodily sensations that accompanied it (i.e. clenched fist, heart pounding etc.) and the internal dialogue he had with himself in the moment.

Joe was motivated to change and this process allowed him to evaluate the consistent themes that occurred as well as the consistent players that gave rise to the emotions. He also came to notice more of the emotions that arose for his clients. Was he talking to them at a bad time in their day? How were his client’s behaviors indicating their own emotions?

Tapping into your awareness of what you are feeling and why you are feeling it is a critical skill for a trusted advisor. Watching and being aware of how you are being perceived by your clients in the moment, allows you to shift your behavior in real time rather than perpetuating an ongoing problem.

What do you think? Have you taken your emotional temperature? Do you know how your emotions affect other people? Do you know what emotions help or hinder your performance?

 

The wise philosopher, Socrates, said “Know Thyself” for a reason.

To your success,

Mary

 

*not his real name

 

From Technician to Trusted Advisor: 5 EQ Skills That Make a Difference

”Giving advice is not an exclusively logical process,

but rather an emotional duet played between the advisor and client.

If you cannot learn to recognize, process and respond to a client’s emotions,

you cannot be an effective advisor.”

~David Maister

 

A couple weeks ago, I had coffee with Rob Nance of IShade. One of the top issues we discussed was the critical importance for CPAs (and other professionals like lawyers and engineers) to shift into a role of “trusted advisor” to their clients moving from a transactional problem solver or one-dimensional technician.

How can the shy or reticent professional, who is confident in the numbers they’ve crunched or statutes they site, move beyond the role of technician and into a role of a true advisor? Or how can the extravert stop talking long enough to listen to their clients in order to learn their most pressing issues?  

It turns out that developing professionals along 5 specific emotional intelligence (EQ) realms can make the difference between being seen as “just a bean counter” OR “a valued member of the client’s team.”

 

David Maister in his book, The Trusted Advisor, describes several distinct attributes.

Trusted Advisors focus on:

• the client, rather than on themselves
• the client as a whole individual, rather than a person fulfilling a role
• problem definition and resolution rather than technical or content mastery
• new ways to be of great service to the client
• doing the right thing rather versus achieving their own rewards
• quality client relationships

 

Over the next several blog posts I’ll share each of the five key EQ realms along with strategies for building your skills in these areas. We'll talk about the first, self-actualizaton, today.

 

Trusted Advisor EQ Skill #1—Pursuit of Meaning

All the skill building in the world won’t matter if you don’t find meaning or purpose or desire in becoming a trusted advisor to your clients. So ask yourself: What motivates me? Is becoming a trusted advisor a focus for me as I plan for my future? How committed am I to continuous improvement and building the skill sets that becoming a trusted advisor requires?

The process of becoming a trusted advisor is a journey not a destination. It’s a process of continuously honing your skills and abilities to become an outstanding resource for your clients. It often requires moving outside your comfort zone and stretching beyond your current capabilities.

If your answers to the above questions indicate that you are ready and willing to transition into this more advanced role, now take stock of your strengths and weaknesses. Ask yourself: What are my best gifts and talents that I can leverage as I make the transition? What do I enjoy currently in my role in serving clients? How can I take the skills I use successfully in my personal life and apply them in my professional world?

Becoming “self-actualized” may sound high minded or philosophical but it’s actually quite practical. When you are interested in persistently trying to improve yourself and engage in meaningful goals and objectives, great things can happen. Success, happiness and life satisfaction involve doing what you enjoy and finding ways to apply your talents and strengths.

Your assignment for the next week is to take stock of your strengths. What do you love to do in your job? What do you excel at? What gives meaning to the work you do? What are you motivated to achieve in your role? How about your areas for development? What are those? How motivated are you to shore those up?

Your journey to trusted advisor begins here.

To your success,

Mary