“Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance
you have in trying to change others.”
You fill in the blank.
A good friend of mine called me last week. When I asked her how she was, she took a long pause and then she launched in. She was steaming. She shared that her boss was SO FRUSTRATING, SO NEGATIVE and SO SHORT-SIGHTED. He was, she said, a roadblock to her progress and the progress of her team.
We’ve heard the adage before. People leave bosses and not organizations. But in this case, my friend has a great job, working in a great industry, with otherwise great people. Her boss, however, is in her opinion, the barrier to her progress. But she doesn’t want to leave. She wants to make it work.
So what should she do? How can she get him to change, to see his leadership is not effective?
At first she didn’t like my answer, and probably regretted calling me. Because, as the quote above so aptly states, trying to get her boss to change is a lost cause. The simple answer is that SHE needs to be the one to change.
I wanted to help, so even though she’s not my client I did ask her a couple questions…..and if you feel like you’re having the same problem, maybe they’ll help you, too.
· What are your boss’s strengths? What are your own strengths and weaknesses? Does he talk details and you talk big picture? Could it be a difference in style? Understanding his strengths and weaknesses allows you to try to approach your relationship from a different perspective.
· What pressures is he dealing with that cause his perceived short-sightedness or negativity? How would you behave if you were in his situation? What can you learn from him?
· How do you contribute to the relationship? Do you lose your temper or act defensive? Ignore him or tune him out? What he may see in you is a lack of respect and commitment to the team.
· Do you know what drives him? What is important to him? What he believes you need to do to add value? Ask for feedback. Get specific on your performance and what you need to do to excel.
We’ve all faced challenging bosses who drive us crazy for one reason or another. But the first step is not expecting someone else to change. Rather, it all begins with our own behavior and our contributions to the problem.
In the end, you may be the one who moves on. But remember, only YOU can change YOU.
To your success,
Mary