“Most powerful is he who has himself in his own power.”
~Seneca
Last month I witnessed a full blown, double sided “amygdala hijack.” That’s EQ speak for a very unfortunate conversation between two people who both wished they had behaved differently. In the end, each wished they could have a “do-over.”
The argument started very innocently when one person, we’ll call him “Bob” asked another person, we’ll call her “Jane,” about a controversial decision that was made by their organization’s leadership team. Jane was on that team.
The other piece you should know is that the conversation occurred in a social situation where other employees, not a part of either side of the situation, could witness the exchange in real time. Uh-oh.
Bob began, expressing his general unhappiness with the decision and asking Jane to justify it. Jane responded immediately, defensive of her role. The topic was a trigger to both Bob and Jane but for different reasons.
The conversation escalated from there.
The two went at it for over five very long minutes each believing that they were “winning” the argument. When the dust settled and the two parted, in fact, neither was a winner. Bob came off as short sighted and blustery and Jane’s behavior was far from inspiring. And in the end, each lost the respect of those in the “audience.”
The argument had an impact afterward as well. Separate discussions were spawned, tempers flared, people took sides and the overall mood of the group took a dive. Not a good scene.
It’s easy to see now that the entire situation could have been avoided. Bob could have asked Jane in a private setting for more information regarding the decision. Jane could have not been defensive but listened to Bob and his concerns.
Yes, it’s so easy to see that now. But in the moment, when our emotions are involved, our brains have another idea.
Our Brains
The amygdala (AKA the lizard brain) is the emotional center in the brain that when overloaded with emotion, can trigger an irrational, emotive response. Thus, the “amygdala hijack.”
When we feel any emotion, especially fear or anger, the amygdala kicks in and sends an alarm to every part of the brain. Fight or flight hormones are secreted, motion centers are put on alert, and the cardiovascular system, muscles, and gut are tensed. Heart rate and blood pressure escalate and breath slows while the face muscles are locked into a frozen posture animated by the emotion that triggered the response. Yikes!
The problem is that the amygdala takes over BEFORE the rational side of our brain kicks in. A full SIX SECONDS before. And when you’re in high alert and emotionally charged, SIX SECONDS can be an eternity.
What can I do to prevent Mt. Vesuvius from erupting?
BE AWARE of what is happening in your emotional circuitry. What are your trigger topics? What are the states (hungry? tired?) when you are most susceptible to eruption? What situations or individuals have historically caused you to feel uncomfortable or stressed?
WAIT SIX SECONDS. There’s a reason your parents counted to 10 when they were upset with you. We need to breathe, take a step back and wait long enough for the rational part of our brain to kick in. The delay gives us an opportunity to wait until the chemical reaction occurring in our brain has time to subside.
UNDERSTAND THAT ONLY YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR ACTIONS. Remember that your response is solely up to you. Being provoked is never an excuse and in the end you end up embarrassing yourself and being the loser.
Once you calm down, you have several options:
- Walk away, acknowledging that there is a time and a place for discussion.
- Get alone and process what happened.
- Stay calm and engage in productive discussion of a solution
- Say statements like “let me think about this,” “give me a minute,” “that’s an interesting perspective” or “I can see why you’re upset”
- Hear out the accusation and calmly explain your perspective
Researchers have found that venting your anger is actually one of the worst ways to cool down. Venting actually prolongs the mood rather than end it.
Bob and Jane patched things up with apologies and ultimately a productive dialogue. But there were definite costs to the confrontation: loss of respect, embarrassment, regret, additional stress to name just a few.
We’ve all been in situations when our amygdala (or the lizard) takes over. But awareness, patience and a belief that anger is not the solution will take you a lot further.
What are some tools you use to practice controlling your impulse to react or show restraint? How do you control your "lizard brain"?

To your success,
Mary