TheLeadershipNotebook

Stuffing It

 

“Anybody can become angry-that is easy,

but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree

and at the right time and for the right purpose and in the right way-

that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.”

~Aristotle

 

 

I write and speak often about the concepts of emotional intelligence and the impact your EQ skill level can have on your career (and your personal life.) Specifically, I’ve discussed an EQ topic that is affectionately called an amygdala highjack: that point when your lizard brain takes over and your emotions cause you to say or do something that can lead to regret, embarrassment and outcomes that are often worse.

 

But there’s an opposite side of that coin: stuffing your emotions. Refusing to be assertive or even express what you’re feeling can be just as career-limiting as “popping off.”  That’s what’s happening to my client, Dan (not his real name).

Dan’s EQ 2.0 self-assessment reflected low scores in emotional expression and assertiveness and a high score in impulse control. Not an emotionally intelligent combination.

 

During our results review session, Dan shared his boss’s negative 360 feedback, which pretty much confirmed Dan’s self assessment. And according to his boss, Dan’s lack of emotional expression and assertiveness is severely limiting his career progression.

You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to understand the mental and physiological cost of stuffing your emotions. But there are additional costs as well. Here are a few more:

To relationships and trust: Relationships and trust are both built on two-way communication and sharing.

To perceptions: Sometimes this behavior can be seen as predictable or calculated, often sending the wrong message.

To respect and influence: It’s difficult to have influence and garner respect when those you lead don’t know where you stand.

 

What Dan (or You) Can Do

1. Become more aware of the types of emotions he has trouble expressing at work and understand what triggers them.

2. Look for a role model who he feels successfully expresses their emotions. He should seek their advice and perspective on what works for them.

 3. Tap into his skills in empathy and emotional self awareness to pay more attention to how others react when he does express his emotions.  

4. Understand what situations cause him to be less assertive than he should be. What situations make him cave?  

5. Sometimes when we don’t speak up, it’s because we are mired in thought when others want action. Think about that in advance of making a decision. What information or evidence will you need in order to feel comfortable acting.

 

Aristotle was right. It is difficult to express your emotions to the right degree at the right time for the right purpose in the right way. We know that an emotional explosion is not the right approach but neither is stuffing them.

Emotional intelligence skills CAN be learned. In fact, ultimately, your career success counts on it. Just ask Dan.

To your success,

 

Mary

A Delicate Balance

 

“Many a friendship is lost for lack of speaking.”

~Aristotle

 

I just got back from a 360 feedback meeting with a client. Giving feedback can be challenging, especially when some of the feedback is not so positive. But it’s a skill set that I’ve finely tuned in my role as a coach. 

 

In this case my client has many strengths. But he has one significant weakness, and without change, it could be a derailer.

 

One strength in particular is his ability to develop and maintain great relationships with his colleagues and his boss. He has an optimistic, positive attitude and builds trusting and genuine relationships. Always helpful and supportive, he’s a “connector” who is a valuable team mate. Sounds great, doesn’t it?

 

It would be if he was also able to assert himself, to speak up with his own opinions and beliefs even at the risk of others disagreeing. Instead, he acts passively, not engaging in constructive conflict at the risk of others not “liking” him. In meetings, he listens but does not actively contribute to discussions.

 

His lack of assertiveness is seen as a lack of initiative and thus a roadblock to his effective performance and ultimately his promotion opportunities.

 

This situation is not uncommon. In fact, I wrote about it in an earlier post, Top Dog on a Tightrope.

 

Many find it difficult to be assertive. And assertiveness is much misunderstood. People often confuse assertiveness for aggressiveness. And the “nice” ones definitely avoid the aggressive label like the plague, leaning toward being passive.

 

Assertiveness requires a delicate balance. It involves the ability to communicate clearly and unambiguously, while being sensitive to the needs of others.  Being assertive is all about getting at the problem and not the person. It’s about analyzing a situation, determining a reasonable solution that is a win-win for both parties.

 

Assertiveness requires self awareness to be able to recognize your feelings before you express them and self regard to stand up for your own rights and deeply held beliefs. Combine self awareness and self regard with a genuine care and consideration for the thoughts and feelings of others and you have the balance that assertiveness requires.

 

Helping my client build his assertiveness will require him to practice new behaviors, like speaking his opinion in meetings and focusing on positive self talk rather than negative self talk that undermined his self regard. He’ll also look for role models in his team and his Company to model assertiveness.

 

What about you? Do you find it easy or hard to be assertive? What skills do you employ to assertively communicate your opinions and beliefs without stepping on others or having others step on you? How do you keep the delicate balance?

 

To your success,

 

Mary

Yes! No. Yes?

 

“The art of leadership is saying no, not saying yes. It is very easy to say yes.”

~Tony Blair

  

Do you have a hard time saying no? Are you double booked and stretched thin with commitments, not wanting to let anyone down? Do you continually struggle to walk that fine line between asserting yourself and maintaining your relationships?

I was in a meeting the other day with “Mike,” a lawyer and coaching client who had just gotten a call to take on another new case. Great news, right? But Mike was swamped and when he looked deeper into the terms of the engagement, he found that the case would take him far outside his “sweet spot” with adverse implications to his remaining case load and client base. He had the option to turn the case down, yet he was struggling with the decision and found it nearly impossible to say NO.

Can you relate to Mike? I know I could.

So I relayed to Mike a process I’ve used when I find myself struggling with saying No. It’s a process found in the book, The Power of a Positive No, written by William Ury.  Ury shares the possibility of saying No yet still retaining your power AND your relationships. The result is not an either/or proposition but a situation where you can retain BOTH at the same time. This approach works.

Ury says that the key to a Positive No is respect. You give respect to yourself and what’s important to you and at the same time, you give respect to the others involved.  Preparing your Positive No is the first critical step.

To properly prepare, don’t start with No. We must start with a Yes! Yes to what’s really important to you. Reach down to your core. What do you really want? In Mike’s case, he was committed to bringing his life back into balance. He was focused on his family commitments and limiting his case load to those projects that were in the “sweet spot” of his expertise. Attaching to your Yes! empowers you to say No.

Your next step then is to make it possible for the other to hear No. Mike responded to his prospective client by expressing his appreciation for considering him to take the case. Mike went on to share his commitment to his family (kids ages 6 and 2) and his clear focus on taking cases within his particular niche. His No, expressed in a matter of fact manner, did not reject this potential client but rather was accomplished with acknowledgement and respect.

Finally, when you say No you must follow through, remaining committed to your response even when the other’s reaction may not indicate resounding acceptance. Should your No be challenged, stay true to yourself and your commitment. Continue to stand up for what’s important to you, yet honoring your relationship. Mike did that and even offered names of other attorneys who’d be great choices to take the case. That was his follow through: Yes?

As Ury states, delivering a Positive No requires courage, vision, empathy, fortitude, patience and persistence. A tall order. But in the end, you have the opportunity to retain BOTH your personal power and your relationships.

What successful strategies have you used to say No?

To your success,

Mary

 

Nice or Helpful?

 

“The only healthy communication style is assertive communication.”

~Jim Rohn

 

Last week I wrote my blog post, Top Dog on a Tightrope, on the importance of being assertive. This morning, I read a post by HBR blogger and leadership consultant Peter Bregman titled, Don’t Be Nice, Be Helpful. His post shared a similar message but applied being assertive to the critical skill of providing constructive feedback. Do you want to be nice or helpful?

Given that one of our key leadership requirements is developing others, learning how to assertively communicate constructive feedback is imperative. But how many times do we hold back, not wanting to “hurt someone’s feelings” when NOT providing the feedback can be even more cruel? We know deep down that being assertive and honest can actually be a gift to the receiver.

The following are some suggestions I give to my clients when giving constructive feedback:

• When preparing yourself for the feedback conversation, tune into your skill of empathy. Imagine that you are on the receiving end of your comments and craft your message accordingly.

 

• Set the stage for the feedback conversation so your employee is mentally prepared for it.  For best results, set a location that is private and power neutral.

 

• State the behavior, observation or situation objectively. Be as specific and factual as possible. Avoid making inferences or stating opinions which are easily debatable and less useful for the listener.

 

• Communicate the significance of the situation. Share the impact of your employee’s behavior, error or actions on your stakeholders, team or organization.

 

• Dialogue with your staff about possible solutions to the situation. Ask for their perspective on how they could resolve the situation.

 

• Express your sincere interest in your employee’s development and confidence in their abilities. Ongoing feedback, especially positive feedback, is crucial for his or her development. It is one of your fundamental responsibilities as a leader.

 

There’s no way around it. Assertiveness is a skill that you just can’t ignore.

To your success,

Mary

 

Top Dog on a Tightrope

 

 
 

Robert Sutton, the author of Good Boss, Bad Boss, almost titled his book “Top Dog on a Tightrope.” Frankly, it’s a very apropos visual for the role of a great boss. But what interested me when I read his book was his discussion of the importance of assertiveness in our everyday leadership. Assertiveness is one of the core EQ skills that impact our ability to have influence and effectiveness in our role.

Being assertive often gets confused with being aggressive. There is a BIG difference between the two. Sharon Bower, in Asserting Yourself, states that “The basic difference between being assertive and being aggressive is how our words and behavior affect the rights and well being of others.”

Assertiveness is our ability to confidently express your feelings, beliefs, and thoughts and to defend your rights in a nondestructive and safe manner. It IS like walking a tightrope. But research done by two Columbia University professors, Daniel Ames and Frank Flynn, suggests that “striking the right balance between being too assertive and not assertive enough is immensely important to being (and being perceived as) a great boss.”

Our self-awareness (another critical EQ skill) is key to our ability to demonstrate the appropriate level of assertiveness in any given moment or situation. We must be aware of what we’re feeling, why we’re feeling it and how others may react in any given circumstance. There’s that tightrope again.

The good news is that assertiveness, just like other EQ skills, can be developed. Here are a few ideas to help you develop your assertiveness:

1. Identify two or three people whom you believe to be assertive. Describe the behaviors that you have labeled as assertive. What do those behaviors have in common?

2. Write down a recent event in which you behaved passively. Now write down the thoughts (self-talk) you had that guided you towards passivity and away from Assertiveness. What did you worry would happen if you were assertive? Listen carefully to your self-talk to find out. Were you worried about hurting the other person? Were you afraid they might get mad and hurt you (physically and/or otherwise)? How do you picture yourself acting if you had chosen to be assertive rather than passive? What would you have said? How do you picture the other person responding?

3. Write down a recent event in which you acted aggressively, i.e., told someone off unnecessarily, raised your voice in a threatening way, actually made threats, etc. Afterwards, what was your reaction to yourself? How did the other person react? What were you thinking during the event? Assertive behavior does not put others down, disrespect them, or try to dominate or control them.

Over the next couple weeks, on a daily basis, continue to write down events in which you were passive, aggressive, or assertive. Pay particular attention to the self-talk you used during each event and write it down.

Assertiveness is a critical skill that impacts both your personal and professional life. It’s a constant balancing act, just like the dog on the tightrope. But as Sutton says, “while everyone misjudges a step now and then, the best ones fall less often, because they have the skill to make constant and correct adjustments to stay out of trouble.”

How do you perform on your leadership tightrope?

To your success,

Mary

Assertiveness: A Required Skill for Leaders

“Behavior is a mirror in which everyone shows his image.”

~Goeth

 

“John”, a former coaching client, is a senior manager at a CPA firm. He was skilled technically and had enjoyed a great reputation in the community and within his firm. But over time, this positive reputation began to erode.  You see, John was unable to say NO. He was unable to say NO to new projects that were beneath his technical capability, taking any project that was requested. He was unable to say NO to request for participation in several community boards, each asking for his expertise. His workload piled up and over time, he missed deadlines and made errors as a result of his lack of focus. He missed board meetings and commitments he made. John was miserable. He knew his passive behavior was causing much of his situation but he had not learned the skills to speak up and create a “win-win” situation for himself and his “constituents.” He needed to learn the skill of assertiveness.

 

Jane, on the other hand, had a different challenge. As the practice leader in a consulting firm, her attacking and demanding approach constantly put her direct reports on the defensive. Her aggression undermined the productivity of her team and in the long run, created a revolving door for employees leaving the organization. Jane’s aggressive approach created a “lose-lose” situation. Through coaching, Jane finally realized that she needed to learn new communication skills that respected other’s rights as well as her own.

 

Assertiveness is a required skill for leadership. Assertive behavior focuses on negotiating reasonable changes in the way both parties behave to create a win-win result. Assertiveness is not just expressing your feelings and walking away. It involves being very clear about what you want to accomplish and implementing an agreeable contract between yourself and the other person. Sharon Bower, author of Asserting Yourself: A Practical Guide for Positive Change, states “The basic difference between being assertive and being aggressive is how our words and behavior affect the rights and well being of others.” Passive behavior betrays your rights. Aggressive behavior betrays the rights of others. Assertive behavior respects both individual’s rights.

 

Assessing your current level of assertiveness is the first step in understanding where to begin. Ask yourself: Do you speak up when you have a legitimate complaint or issue? Do you work out a specific solution to a problem, being true to yourself and to the other party? Do you make your message to the other person short and clear and express yourself in a firm voice? Through coaching, John learned these new skills and has incorporated them into his daily communication. His colleagues know that he is a team player but will no longer be passive or be taken advantage of.

 

Jane learned to be more self aware in understanding what situations provoked her aggressive behavior. She was able to work proactively to manage the stress of her job and communicate her needs in a direct yet respectful manner.

 

Assertiveness can be learned and there are numerous benefits derived from building this skill. Some benefits include increased self confidence, becoming more comfortable in your communication with others and increased respect for yourself….All valuable benefits on our journey for more effective leadership.

 

To your success,

 

Mary