“Anybody can become angry-that is easy,
but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree
and at the right time and for the right purpose and in the right way-
that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.”
~Aristotle
I write and speak often about the concepts of emotional intelligence and the impact your EQ skill level can have on your career (and your personal life.) Specifically, I’ve discussed an EQ topic that is affectionately called an amygdala highjack: that point when your lizard brain takes over and your emotions cause you to say or do something that can lead to regret, embarrassment and outcomes that are often worse.
But there’s an opposite side of that coin: stuffing your emotions. Refusing to be assertive or even express what you’re feeling can be just as career-limiting as “popping off.” That’s what’s happening to my client, Dan (not his real name).
Dan’s EQ 2.0 self-assessment reflected low scores in emotional expression and assertiveness and a high score in impulse control. Not an emotionally intelligent combination.
During our results review session, Dan shared his boss’s negative 360 feedback, which pretty much confirmed Dan’s self assessment. And according to his boss, Dan’s lack of emotional expression and assertiveness is severely limiting his career progression.
You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to understand the mental and physiological cost of stuffing your emotions. But there are additional costs as well. Here are a few more:
To relationships and trust: Relationships and trust are both built on two-way communication and sharing.
To perceptions: Sometimes this behavior can be seen as predictable or calculated, often sending the wrong message.
To respect and influence: It’s difficult to have influence and garner respect when those you lead don’t know where you stand.
What Dan (or You) Can Do
1. Become more aware of the types of emotions he has trouble expressing at work and understand what triggers them.
2. Look for a role model who he feels successfully expresses their emotions. He should seek their advice and perspective on what works for them.
3. Tap into his skills in empathy and emotional self awareness to pay more attention to how others react when he does express his emotions.
4. Understand what situations cause him to be less assertive than he should be. What situations make him cave?
5. Sometimes when we don’t speak up, it’s because we are mired in thought when others want action. Think about that in advance of making a decision. What information or evidence will you need in order to feel comfortable acting.
Aristotle was right. It is difficult to express your emotions to the right degree at the right time for the right purpose in the right way. We know that an emotional explosion is not the right approach but neither is stuffing them.
Emotional intelligence skills CAN be learned. In fact, ultimately, your career success counts on it. Just ask Dan.
To your success,
Mary
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