My coaching client, Barbara (not her real name), has an excuse for everything. Nothing is ever her fault and her colleagues say she is a master of escape, leaving the scene when the conversation gets intense.
Her defensive communication style has been tolerated in the past but now her behavior is holding her back from moving to partnership in her firm. Barbara’s defensiveness has impacted her relationships in the office and has also spilled over to relationships with her clients.
Do you know someone like Barbara? Could YOU be Barbara?
Barbara believes that her defensive communication style protects her. That to be open to feedback, ideas or criticism is to be vulnerable and weak. On the contrary, it is being defensive that weakens us. While you’re busy defending yourself, there’s not much room for meaningful contact with others. Nor can you learn from their feedback or from your own mistakes.
To curb your own defensive reactions, consider some of the following more effective strategies:
- Breathe and Listen• If you feel criticized, rather than reacting or retreating, take a deep breath, tell yourself that it’s only feedback and just listen. You can correct the record later, if necessary.
- Consider and Accept• Consider if there is a kernel of truth in the feedback. If there is, acknowledge it and work to improve in that area. Your willingness to acknowledge when you’re wrong inspires colleagues, clients and management to feel confident in you.
- Consider and Reflect• Realize that sometimes people’s criticisms are all about the “story” they have made up around a situation. Try not to take it personally or as your responsibility.
- Focus on the message and not the sender • What can you learn from the feedback? If it’s delivered by someone whose personality does not mix with yours, separate the idea from the personality and focus instead on the rest of the message.
- Ask clarifying questions • Clarifying questions help to keep the listening process active and increase understanding among listeners and speakers. Try some of these questions for gaining time and clarity:
- Can you help me to understand your perspective on this issue?
- Can you be more specific?Can you give me some examples?
- Let me tell you what I understand you to be saying. Did I understand you correctly?
- Say more.
- Tell me more about that.
Changing how we communicate as individuals—learning that we can protect ourselves and have greater influence without using defensiveness—can not only dramatically shift our professional and personal relationships, but can also improve our leadership effectiveness.
“Communication works for those who work at it.”
~John Powell
What about you? What strategies have you used to improve your defensive behaviors?
To your success,
Mary
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