TheLeadershipNotebook

Living Your Life vs. Living "Out" Your Life

 

“Every man dies. Not every man really lives.”

~William Ross Wallace

 

On the plane home from my “mini vacation” in Florida yesterday, I sat next to an "old" man. He was quiet for most of the trip but every now and then, he’d ask me a question or engage me in conversation.

 

When I asked him about his trip, he shared that he had been in Florida for seven weeks, visiting his younger sister while recuperating from a recent knee surgery. I followed it up with an inquiry about how he liked Florida in general.

 

“Well,” he said, “it’s filled with lots of old people.” (I guessed his age at about 85…) He went on. “Actually, most of the people I met were not living life; they were just living out their life. I much prefer my neighborhood at home where there are young families and life is happening all around me.”  “I’m not that old.”

 

With an attitude like his, he could live to be 100!

 

Over the years, I’ve known people who, much younger than 85, are merely living out their life. They’re comfortable on “auto pilot,” going through the motions of daily living, settling for the status quo.

 

 Could this be you? Remember, “If you’re coasting, you’re either losing momentum or else you’re headed  downhill.” Is it time to step on the gas?

 

To your success,

 

Mary

What Does It Take to “Flourish”?

 

“Happiness depends upon ourselves.”

~Aristotle

I never thought I’d see this smiley face on the cover of my Harvard Business Review. Happiness discussed in a hard core business journal? And yet, there it was. That big happy grin was staring up at me as the most recent issue landed on my desk.

 

But in actuality, the influence and impact of positive psychology in the business community has grown leaps and bounds in the last several years. Just last year, Martin Seligman, who’s widely touted as the father of positive psychology, published the book, Flourish, a resource that highlights the latest research in the field.

 

And from Seligman’s perspective, the field of positive psychology has grown way beyond just the concept of “authentic happiness” to include what he terms as our overall “well being.” In Flourish, Seligman cites five key elements from the research that contribute to our well being:

 

1. Positive emotion- happiness and life satisfaction
2. Engagement-think “flow” or when you’re fully engrossed in a task
3. Relationships that are positive
4. Meaning- belonging to and serving something that you believe is bigger than yourself
5. Accomplishment pursued for its own sake

 

Think PERMA for short.

 

No one element defines “well being” but each contributes to it. Well being is a combination of feeling good as well as having meaning, good relationships and accomplishments. So maximizing all five of these elements leads to a flourishing life. Way better than just “happy.”

 

I’m able to apply Seligman’s concept of well being with my clients though their EQi 2.0 emotional intelligence self assessment. The assessment provides the client with a “well being indicator.”  It’s a great coaching tool and starting point in helping them learn more about themselves and what areas they can focus on to increase their well being, and ultimately, flourish.

 

What about you? Are you flourishing? What are the areas in your life and work that could use a tweak or a fresh look?

 

To your success,

Mary

Another Look At How We Project Ourselves

 

“The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking.

It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.”

~Albert Einstein

 

Last fall I wrote an article on Executive Presence and Emotional Intelligence (EQ) for my monthly newsletter, spare change. I’ve received great feedback on the article as a useful tool to share with professionals who are looking to enhance how they “show up” in a leadership setting.

 

The premise of the article is that our emotional intelligence, (in essence how “smart” we are about using our emotions), directly impacts our executive presence. In other words, how we “show up” can be enhanced by developing various aspects of our EQ.

 

Recently, I ran across a great visual, articulated by Coach Michael Neill, which paints a vivid picture of what I’m talking about.

 

Imagine that what you display to others, your “executive presence,” is like a movie, all happening on a movie screen in front of you. In executive presence terms, the movie might portray you as confident, assertive and empathic or timid, passive and unconnected.

But what’s really occurring is not happening on the screen at all. It’s inside the movie projector that shines a light on your “video tape reel”. Your thoughts, beliefs and emotions are illuminated by the bright light of the projector and playing outside on the movie screen.

 

When looking at improving our executive presence, many look to change what’s happening on the movie screen, outside of the projector (think new clothes or other outward trappings of success). But as you know from the movies, changing what’s on the screen doesn’t work.

 

The change you seek must happen on the inside of the projector, by changing the thoughts, beliefs and emotions that run though your "projector." If you want to change how you show up, the change must happen on the inside first.

 

What do you think? Does this visual resonate with you? What is the image you project? What are the thoughts, beliefs and emotions running through your “projector” that impact how you are perceived by others?

 

To your success,

 

Mary

 

 

The Lizard and the Six Second Rule

 

“Most powerful is he who has himself in his own power.”

~Seneca

 

Last month I witnessed a full blown, double sided “amygdala hijack.” That’s EQ speak for a very unfortunate conversation between two people who both wished they had behaved differently. In the end, each wished they could have a “do-over.”

 

The argument started very innocently when one person, we’ll call him “Bob” asked another person, we’ll call her “Jane,” about a controversial decision that was made by their organization’s leadership team. Jane was on that team.

 

The other piece you should know is that the conversation occurred in a social situation where other employees, not a part of either side of the situation, could witness the exchange in real time. Uh-oh.

 

Bob began, expressing his general unhappiness with the decision and asking Jane to justify it.  Jane responded immediately, defensive of her role. The topic was a trigger to both Bob and Jane but for different reasons.

 

The conversation escalated from there.

 

The two went at it for over five very long minutes each believing that they were “winning” the argument. When the dust settled and the two parted, in fact, neither was a winner. Bob came off as short sighted and blustery and Jane’s behavior was far from inspiring. And in the end, each lost the respect of those in the “audience.”

 

The argument had an impact afterward as well. Separate discussions were spawned, tempers flared, people took sides and the overall mood of the group took a dive. Not a good scene.

 

It’s easy to see now that the entire situation could have been avoided. Bob could have asked Jane in a private setting for more information regarding the decision. Jane could have not been defensive but listened to Bob and his concerns.

 

Yes, it’s so easy to see that now. But in the moment, when our emotions are involved, our brains have another idea.

 

Our Brains

The amygdala (AKA the lizard brain) is the emotional center in the brain that when overloaded with emotion, can trigger an irrational, emotive response.  Thus, the “amygdala hijack.”

 

When we feel any emotion, especially fear or anger, the amygdala kicks in and sends an alarm to every part of the brain. Fight or flight hormones are secreted, motion centers are put on alert, and the cardiovascular system, muscles, and gut are tensed. Heart rate and blood pressure escalate and breath slows while the face muscles are locked into a frozen posture animated by the emotion that triggered the response. Yikes!

 

The problem is that the amygdala takes over BEFORE the rational side of our brain kicks in. A full SIX SECONDS before. And when you’re in high alert and emotionally charged, SIX SECONDS can be an eternity.

 

What can I do to prevent Mt. Vesuvius from erupting?

 

BE AWARE of what is happening in your emotional circuitry. What are your trigger topics? What are the states (hungry? tired?) when you are most susceptible to eruption? What situations or individuals have historically caused you to feel uncomfortable or stressed?

 

WAIT SIX SECONDS. There’s a reason your parents counted to 10 when they were upset with you. We need to breathe, take a step back and wait long enough for the rational part of our brain to kick in. The delay gives us an opportunity to wait until the chemical reaction occurring in our brain has time to subside.

 

UNDERSTAND THAT ONLY YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR ACTIONS. Remember that your response is solely up to you. Being provoked is never an excuse and in the end you end up embarrassing yourself and being the loser.

 

Once you calm down, you have several options:

1. Walk away, acknowledging that there is a time and a place for discussion.
2. Get alone and process what happened.
3. Stay calm and engage in productive discussion of a solution
4. Say statements like “let me think about this,” “give me a minute,” “that’s an interesting perspective” or “I can see why you’re upset”
5. Hear out the accusation and calmly explain your perspective

 

Researchers have found that venting your anger is actually one of the worst ways to cool down. Venting actually prolongs the mood rather than end it.

 

Bob and Jane patched things up with apologies and ultimately a productive dialogue. But there were definite costs to the confrontation: loss of respect, embarrassment, regret, additional stress to name just a few.

 

We’ve all been in situations when our amygdala (or the lizard) takes over. But awareness, patience and a belief that anger is not the solution will take you a lot further.

 

What are some tools you use to practice controlling your impulse to react or show restraint? How do you control your "lizard brain"?

To your success,

 

Mary