“Many a friendship is lost for lack of speaking.”
~Aristotle
I just got back from a 360 feedback meeting with a client. Giving feedback can be challenging, especially when some of the feedback is not so positive. But it’s a skill set that I’ve finely tuned in my role as a coach.
In this case my client has many strengths. But he has one significant weakness, and without change, it could be a derailer.
One strength in particular is his ability to develop and maintain great relationships with his colleagues and his boss. He has an optimistic, positive attitude and builds trusting and genuine relationships. Always helpful and supportive, he’s a “connector” who is a valuable team mate. Sounds great, doesn’t it?
It would be if he was also able to assert himself, to speak up with his own opinions and beliefs even at the risk of others disagreeing. Instead, he acts passively, not engaging in constructive conflict at the risk of others not “liking” him. In meetings, he listens but does not actively contribute to discussions.
His lack of assertiveness is seen as a lack of initiative and thus a roadblock to his effective performance and ultimately his promotion opportunities.
This situation is not uncommon. In fact, I wrote about it in an earlier post, Top Dog on a Tightrope.
Many find it difficult to be assertive. And assertiveness is much misunderstood. People often confuse assertiveness for aggressiveness. And the “nice” ones definitely avoid the aggressive label like the plague, leaning toward being passive.
Assertiveness requires a delicate balance. It involves the ability to communicate clearly and unambiguously, while being sensitive to the needs of others. Being assertive is all about getting at the problem and not the person. It’s about analyzing a situation, determining a reasonable solution that is a win-win for both parties.
Assertiveness requires self awareness to be able to recognize your feelings before you express them and self regard to stand up for your own rights and deeply held beliefs. Combine self awareness and self regard with a genuine care and consideration for the thoughts and feelings of others and you have the balance that assertiveness requires.
Helping my client build his assertiveness will require him to practice new behaviors, like speaking his opinion in meetings and focusing on positive self talk rather than negative self talk that undermined his self regard. He’ll also look for role models in his team and his Company to model assertiveness.
What about you? Do you find it easy or hard to be assertive? What skills do you employ to assertively communicate your opinions and beliefs without stepping on others or having others step on you? How do you keep the delicate balance?
To your success,
Mary
Excellent Article Mary. It makes me wonder how many careers have bee held back due to a lack of assertiveness.
Posted by: Jennifer Chasse | July 27, 2011 at 11:33 AM