TheLeadershipNotebook

Friends and Women of Substance

This is a guest post written by my husband of 30 years, Marty Werner, as he watched the events of our last three days unfold….

 

The call came.

“Matthew died this morning.”

My wife buckled at the knees.  “What?” 

It was one of my wife’s best friends on the phone– you know what I mean, a lifelong friend– the type of friend you had acne with and knew you would be friends for life—friends. Her son died so unexpectedly.

And so our journey began. The tears, the trauma, the heartache, the terror of the fragile nature of life.

We wept, we slept, we worried for his Mother. 

No one prepares you for the trauma of hearing such news.  How do you deal with such news? You don’t know -- but you speculate. How would it feel?  What would you do? How would you cope?

Women of substance. Friends.

They circled. They prayed. They called. They talked. They cared. They cried.

Then they planned. Where to house the family? What food would the family need? What hotel rooms would be required for guests and who could stay where with friends?  Veggie trays, bread, milk, children, rooms, sitters, time to talk, time to sit, time to be quiet – time to try to sleep. The calls continued into the night.

These are not minor matters.  These are matters of substance, completed by women of substance. These women have raised families, dealt with untold adversity, and nurtured and loved beyond words. 

To watch this dance of love by these women is to have faith in humanity. Where does the strength come from when all that seems normal is lost? To reach down into what matters and offer up human kindness.   That is after all what matters in the face of such tragedy. Kindness. To feel. To want to comfort. To be with that pain and loss and not be scared.

We love so much and we lose so much. But we earn our humanity with kindness.  And the women of our lives that work so hard to give us texture to our losses keep us centered on what matters.

God bless you, Matthew.

           

Doing the Work

 

“Four young men sit by the bedside of their dying father. The old man, with his last breath, tells them of a treasure buried in the family fields. The sons crowd around him, crying and asking, “Where, Where?” but it’s too late…

The day after the funeral and for many days to come, the young men go out into the fields with their picks and shovels and turn the soil, digging deeply into the ground from one end of each field to the other. They find nothing and, bitterly disappointed, abandon the search.

The next season, the farm has its best harvest ever.”

~ Story as told by Ben and Rosamund Zander in their book, The Art of Possibility

It’s spring. My home is out in the country and right next to a working farm. I know that any day now, the farmer and his tractors and farm equipment will be doing the work to prepare the soil for planting. And about 5 months from now, corn stalks as tall as I am will spring from the ground.

One of the most rewarding experiences in my role as a coach is watching my client’s growth. When they “do the work,” dig deeper, examine their own limiting thoughts and behaviors and reach inside to create new possibilities for themselves, amazing results occur.

It’s hard to “do the work.” It takes effort, commitment, and an openness to change. But the “harvest” can be so rich!

Remember the old adage, “When you always do what you’ve always done, you always get what you’ve always got.” Or another good one…”when you coast, you’re actually going downhill.” Both are great descriptions of what can happen when you resist doing the work.

 So I challenge you to think about what you want to be different in your life.  And then ask yourself: What effort am I willing to commit to “doing the work?” What digging do I need to do that will help me succeed at the goals and results that I long to achieve?

 

It’ spring. Time to prepare the soil. Time to do the work.

To your success,

Mary

Nice or Helpful?

 

“The only healthy communication style is assertive communication.”

~Jim Rohn

 

Last week I wrote my blog post, Top Dog on a Tightrope, on the importance of being assertive. This morning, I read a post by HBR blogger and leadership consultant Peter Bregman titled, Don’t Be Nice, Be Helpful. His post shared a similar message but applied being assertive to the critical skill of providing constructive feedback. Do you want to be nice or helpful?

Given that one of our key leadership requirements is developing others, learning how to assertively communicate constructive feedback is imperative. But how many times do we hold back, not wanting to “hurt someone’s feelings” when NOT providing the feedback can be even more cruel? We know deep down that being assertive and honest can actually be a gift to the receiver.

The following are some suggestions I give to my clients when giving constructive feedback:

• When preparing yourself for the feedback conversation, tune into your skill of empathy. Imagine that you are on the receiving end of your comments and craft your message accordingly.

 

• Set the stage for the feedback conversation so your employee is mentally prepared for it.  For best results, set a location that is private and power neutral.

 

• State the behavior, observation or situation objectively. Be as specific and factual as possible. Avoid making inferences or stating opinions which are easily debatable and less useful for the listener.

 

• Communicate the significance of the situation. Share the impact of your employee’s behavior, error or actions on your stakeholders, team or organization.

 

• Dialogue with your staff about possible solutions to the situation. Ask for their perspective on how they could resolve the situation.

 

• Express your sincere interest in your employee’s development and confidence in their abilities. Ongoing feedback, especially positive feedback, is crucial for his or her development. It is one of your fundamental responsibilities as a leader.

 

There’s no way around it. Assertiveness is a skill that you just can’t ignore.

To your success,

Mary

 

Top Dog on a Tightrope

 

 
 

Robert Sutton, the author of Good Boss, Bad Boss, almost titled his book “Top Dog on a Tightrope.” Frankly, it’s a very apropos visual for the role of a great boss. But what interested me when I read his book was his discussion of the importance of assertiveness in our everyday leadership. Assertiveness is one of the core EQ skills that impact our ability to have influence and effectiveness in our role.

Being assertive often gets confused with being aggressive. There is a BIG difference between the two. Sharon Bower, in Asserting Yourself, states that “The basic difference between being assertive and being aggressive is how our words and behavior affect the rights and well being of others.”

Assertiveness is our ability to confidently express your feelings, beliefs, and thoughts and to defend your rights in a nondestructive and safe manner. It IS like walking a tightrope. But research done by two Columbia University professors, Daniel Ames and Frank Flynn, suggests that “striking the right balance between being too assertive and not assertive enough is immensely important to being (and being perceived as) a great boss.”

Our self-awareness (another critical EQ skill) is key to our ability to demonstrate the appropriate level of assertiveness in any given moment or situation. We must be aware of what we’re feeling, why we’re feeling it and how others may react in any given circumstance. There’s that tightrope again.

The good news is that assertiveness, just like other EQ skills, can be developed. Here are a few ideas to help you develop your assertiveness:

1. Identify two or three people whom you believe to be assertive. Describe the behaviors that you have labeled as assertive. What do those behaviors have in common?

2. Write down a recent event in which you behaved passively. Now write down the thoughts (self-talk) you had that guided you towards passivity and away from Assertiveness. What did you worry would happen if you were assertive? Listen carefully to your self-talk to find out. Were you worried about hurting the other person? Were you afraid they might get mad and hurt you (physically and/or otherwise)? How do you picture yourself acting if you had chosen to be assertive rather than passive? What would you have said? How do you picture the other person responding?

3. Write down a recent event in which you acted aggressively, i.e., told someone off unnecessarily, raised your voice in a threatening way, actually made threats, etc. Afterwards, what was your reaction to yourself? How did the other person react? What were you thinking during the event? Assertive behavior does not put others down, disrespect them, or try to dominate or control them.

Over the next couple weeks, on a daily basis, continue to write down events in which you were passive, aggressive, or assertive. Pay particular attention to the self-talk you used during each event and write it down.

Assertiveness is a critical skill that impacts both your personal and professional life. It’s a constant balancing act, just like the dog on the tightrope. But as Sutton says, “while everyone misjudges a step now and then, the best ones fall less often, because they have the skill to make constant and correct adjustments to stay out of trouble.”

How do you perform on your leadership tightrope?

To your success,

Mary

Your Spotlight

 

I’ve given many presentations and workshops on the concepts of emotional intelligence and its link to leadership and executive presence. I continue to remind my audiences and my coaching clients that as leaders, we are always in the spotlight. And how we present ourselves can make a difference between having the positive influence that we desire or the negative results we want to avoid.

This morning I opened up my daily blog feed from Seth Godin, marketing genius and my favorite out of the box thinker, and read the following:

The worst moments are your best opportunity

“That's how we judge you and how we remember you.

You are presumed to be showing us your real self when you are on deadline, have a headache, are facing a customer service meltdown, haven't had a good night's sleep, are facing an ethical dilemma, are momentarily in power, are caught doing something when you thought no one else was looking, are irritable, have the opportunity to extract revenge, are losing a competition or are truly overwhelmed.

What a great opportunity to tell the story you'd like us to hear about you.”

 

Couldn’t agree more.  When the chips are down, what do you project in your spotlight?

To your success,

Mary