TheLeadershipNotebook

Dialogue vs. Debate: What’s Your Choice?

 

“I never saw an instance of one or two disputants convincing the other by argument.”

~Thomas Jefferson 

 

I belong to a book club. We’ve read lots of different types of books over the years and several have generated some “lively” conversation and highlighted a wide variation of opinions and perspectives. As I reflect on some of the more intense conversations, I recall a common theme….each of my book club members has entered the conversation with an intention to understand the other sides’ perspective rather than advocating their own position. In other words, we enjoyed a healthy dialogue and not a contentious debate.  I’ve left those book club conversations feeling heard for my perspective but also with my eyes open to others’ ideas and broadening my own learning and understanding.

That’s easy, you say. Book club discussions are just social get-togethers. They don’t represent real life.

Ok. So what about your conversations (or conflicts) with your spouse or your significant other? Or differences with your team members? How do you approach resolving those differences?

Let’s reflect. When opinions vary or a conflict arises, how do you approach the conversation? Do you focus on debating your position, advocating for your own way with a focus on defending your position?  Or do you enter into dialogue, suspending your judgment, attempting to understand where the other person is coming from?

When you enter into dialogue with someone, the outcome is focused on finding a common ground, understanding his or her beliefs, values, assumptions and expectations. Debate, on the other hand, leads to polarization and people locked into their own belief systems regardless of the decisions that are made.

Dialogue is the particular process developed by theoretical physicist, David Bohm, for “facilitating the exchange of deeply held views to create collaborative and shared learning, out of which may potentially emerge some new understanding.” Peter Senge, in his book The Fifth Discipline, The Art and Practice of the Learning Organization discusses the application of dialogue as a very powerful tool for building team learning.

So here’s a quick comparison of dialogue and debate.

 

Dialogue	Debate
Many people have pieces of the answer	One answer: you have it
Working together on common understanding	Proving the other side wrong
Encourages you to evaluate yourself	Encourages you to criticize others
Sensitive to others’ feelings, hopes and ideas	Not caring of others’ feelings, hopes or ideas
Listening to understand	Listening to find flaws
Revealing our assumptions	Defending our own assumptions
Seeing all sides of an issue	Seeing two sides of an issue
Improving on others’ thinking	Defending your own view
Discovering new options	Seeking a conclusion that ratifies your position

 

Dialogue is instrumental in fostering relationships. And high performance teams master the art of dialogue. They support each other by working together to create a safe spot for surfacing and resolving tough, contentious issues.

Remember, it begins with you. You always have a choice in any conversation. Dialogue or Debate. Which will you choose?

To your success,

Mary

 

The Dirty Dozen

“Mind right. Game right.”

Thad Matta, Ohio State University Men’s Basketball Coach

 

I happened to see an interview with Thad Matta last Saturday before OSU’s big game with Wisconsin. Matta explained his mantra for the team: “Mind right. Game right.” Meaning that if you focus your thoughts and beliefs on things you can control versus all the “stuff” on the periphery that are beyond your control, you put yourself in a position to make a difference in your performance.

I thought about this concept on Tuesday as I was in a coaching conversation with a client who was laser focused on a laundry list of worries and concerns. Guess what? None of them were under his control. This unproductive thought process took his “head out of the game” and negatively impacted his performance at work.

How often do we get caught up in a thinking process or series of beliefs that set us up for some unproductive habits or behaviors?

I ran across the list below a while ago and it has been useful in my work coaching individuals and teams on emotional intelligence best practices. The list comes from a resource titled Quick Emotional Intelligence Activities for Busy Managers by Adele B. Lynn.

See if you can identify any of these irrational thought patterns or beliefs that may be holding you back from outstanding performance:

The Dirty Dozen:

1. Needing Approval: “Everyone I work with must approve of me at all times.”
2. Making Mistakes: “I must prove thoroughly competent, adequate, and achieving at all times.”
3. Changing Others: “I have an obligation to change others who act unfairly or obnoxiously.”
4. Catastrophize: “When I get very frustrated, treated unfairly or rejected, I have to view things as awful, terrible, horrible and catastrophic.”
5. Others Cause Misery: “My emotional misery comes from external pressures that I have little ability to change.”
6. Worry, Fret, and Fear: “If something seems dangerous or fearsome, I must preoccupy myself with it and make myself anxious about it.”
7. Avoidance: “It’s easier to avoid facing difficulties and self-responsibilities than to do something about them.”
8. The Past: “My past remains all–important, and because something once strongly influenced my life, it has to keep determining my feelings and behavior today.”
9. Unrealistic Expectations: “People and things should turn out better than they do, and I must fix them.”
10. Competition: “My worth can be measured by competitive situations.”
11. Source of Problems: “The people and conditions in my life are the source of my problems.”
12. Negativity: “Basically occurrences or events are negative by nature.”

I know we could come up with many more irrational thought processes and beliefs but you get the picture. “Mind right. Game right.” OSU fell just short of victory in their big game on Saturday. You can bet that the coach and the kids are analyzing what went wrong but with a focus on all the things that they COULD control.

So when you find yourself going down the path of one of The Dirty Dozen, exercise your self- awareness muscle. Tune into the thoughts and beliefs that are taking you down this dead end road. And then make a U-turn.

To your success,

Mary

 

 

The True Value of Teaching

 

“Teaching is more than imparting knowledge, it is inspiring change. Learning is more than absorbing facts, it is acquiring understanding.”

~William Arthur Ward

 One of our most important roles as an effective leader is to develop others. This competency is included in just about every leadership competency model I’ve seen. But teaching and developing others takes time and patience and commitment, three things that many busy leaders feel they just don’t have.

Think again.

At “built to last” companies, the ongoing development of leadership is considered a cultural strength as well as a key to continued business success. Those organizations have figured out that the connection you create with your employee when you take the time to teach translates to loyalty and commitment and a return that indirectly makes its way to the bottom line.

And in the end, the real responsibility of a leader is to inspire change. Funny, isn’t that what my quote from William Arthur Ward is saying?

To your success,

Mary

 

CPA to PCC

 

“Learning is not attained by chance. It must be sought for with ardor and attended to with diligence.”

~Abigail Adams

I spent the first 25 years of my career as a practicing CPA. As soon as I began working with Ernst & Whinney (yes, it was that long ago…), I focused on passing the CPA exam and completing my experience requirement. When I was awarded my certificate, I hung it proudly. Over the years, my credential has been a continued source of pride and I remained mindful and diligent to maintain the educational requirements that my profession required. In my mind and in truth, having that credential signified my ongoing commitment to excellence in my profession.

When I shifted careers to professional coaching about five years ago, I approached my new profession in the same manner. I knew that while I had been involved in informal coaching and mentoring throughout my career, excellence in executive coaching required more learning and development at a more focused and very different level.

After completion of my Masters degree in organization development and a six month professional coach training and certification program, I began the practice of professional coaching. Now, the International Coach Federation (ICF) is my equivalent of the Accountancy Board of Ohio.

The ICF is professional coaching’s global organization that is dedicated to advancing the coaching profession by setting high standards and providing independent certification. A coach who has been credentialed by the ICF has completed stringent education and experience requirements and has been coached by a mentor coach.  In addition, certified coaches must demonstrate proficient understanding and use of the core coaching competencies outlined by the profession along with the ethics and standards that are critical to each coaching engagement.

So when my “fat packet” came in the mail the other day with my Professional Certified Coach (PCC) credential certificate, I was excited all over again. Per the ICF, the PCC credential is for the “proven coach” with education and experience levels that demonstrate my commitment to excellence in coaching.

Coaching is a powerful partnership for sure and it’s an honor for me to work in this profession. My learning will not stop with this credential however. Becoming the best coach I can be will require ongoing practice and development, a core focus I learned in my 25 years as a proud, practicing CPA.

What do you still need to learn on your road to excellence?

To your success,

Mary