TheLeadershipNotebook

Living Your Life vs. Living "Out" Your Life

 

“Every man dies. Not every man really lives.”

~William Ross Wallace

 

On the plane home from my “mini vacation” in Florida yesterday, I sat next to an "old" man. He was quiet for most of the trip but every now and then, he’d ask me a question or engage me in conversation.

 

When I asked him about his trip, he shared that he had been in Florida for seven weeks, visiting his younger sister while recuperating from a recent knee surgery. I followed it up with an inquiry about how he liked Florida in general.

 

“Well,” he said, “it’s filled with lots of old people.” (I guessed his age at about 85…) He went on. “Actually, most of the people I met were not living life; they were just living out their life. I much prefer my neighborhood at home where there are young families and life is happening all around me.”  “I’m not that old.”

 

With an attitude like his, he could live to be 100!

 

Over the years, I’ve known people who, much younger than 85, are merely living out their life. They’re comfortable on “auto pilot,” going through the motions of daily living, settling for the status quo.

 

 Could this be you? Remember, “If you’re coasting, you’re either losing momentum or else you’re headed  downhill.” Is it time to step on the gas?

 

To your success,

 

Mary

What Does It Take to “Flourish”?

 

“Happiness depends upon ourselves.”

~Aristotle

I never thought I’d see this smiley face on the cover of my Harvard Business Review. Happiness discussed in a hard core business journal? And yet, there it was. That big happy grin was staring up at me as the most recent issue landed on my desk.

 

But in actuality, the influence and impact of positive psychology in the business community has grown leaps and bounds in the last several years. Just last year, Martin Seligman, who’s widely touted as the father of positive psychology, published the book, Flourish, a resource that highlights the latest research in the field.

 

And from Seligman’s perspective, the field of positive psychology has grown way beyond just the concept of “authentic happiness” to include what he terms as our overall “well being.” In Flourish, Seligman cites five key elements from the research that contribute to our well being:

 

1. Positive emotion- happiness and life satisfaction
2. Engagement-think “flow” or when you’re fully engrossed in a task
3. Relationships that are positive
4. Meaning- belonging to and serving something that you believe is bigger than yourself
5. Accomplishment pursued for its own sake

 

Think PERMA for short.

 

No one element defines “well being” but each contributes to it. Well being is a combination of feeling good as well as having meaning, good relationships and accomplishments. So maximizing all five of these elements leads to a flourishing life. Way better than just “happy.”

 

I’m able to apply Seligman’s concept of well being with my clients though their EQi 2.0 emotional intelligence self assessment. The assessment provides the client with a “well being indicator.”  It’s a great coaching tool and starting point in helping them learn more about themselves and what areas they can focus on to increase their well being, and ultimately, flourish.

 

What about you? Are you flourishing? What are the areas in your life and work that could use a tweak or a fresh look?

 

To your success,

Mary

Another Look At How We Project Ourselves

 

“The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking.

It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.”

~Albert Einstein

 

Last fall I wrote an article on Executive Presence and Emotional Intelligence (EQ) for my monthly newsletter, spare change. I’ve received great feedback on the article as a useful tool to share with professionals who are looking to enhance how they “show up” in a leadership setting.

 

The premise of the article is that our emotional intelligence, (in essence how “smart” we are about using our emotions), directly impacts our executive presence. In other words, how we “show up” can be enhanced by developing various aspects of our EQ.

 

Recently, I ran across a great visual, articulated by Coach Michael Neill, which paints a vivid picture of what I’m talking about.

 

Imagine that what you display to others, your “executive presence,” is like a movie, all happening on a movie screen in front of you. In executive presence terms, the movie might portray you as confident, assertive and empathic or timid, passive and unconnected.

But what’s really occurring is not happening on the screen at all. It’s inside the movie projector that shines a light on your “video tape reel”. Your thoughts, beliefs and emotions are illuminated by the bright light of the projector and playing outside on the movie screen.

 

When looking at improving our executive presence, many look to change what’s happening on the movie screen, outside of the projector (think new clothes or other outward trappings of success). But as you know from the movies, changing what’s on the screen doesn’t work.

 

The change you seek must happen on the inside of the projector, by changing the thoughts, beliefs and emotions that run though your "projector." If you want to change how you show up, the change must happen on the inside first.

 

What do you think? Does this visual resonate with you? What is the image you project? What are the thoughts, beliefs and emotions running through your “projector” that impact how you are perceived by others?

 

To your success,

 

Mary

 

 

The Lizard and the Six Second Rule

 

“Most powerful is he who has himself in his own power.”

~Seneca

 

Last month I witnessed a full blown, double sided “amygdala hijack.” That’s EQ speak for a very unfortunate conversation between two people who both wished they had behaved differently. In the end, each wished they could have a “do-over.”

 

The argument started very innocently when one person, we’ll call him “Bob” asked another person, we’ll call her “Jane,” about a controversial decision that was made by their organization’s leadership team. Jane was on that team.

 

The other piece you should know is that the conversation occurred in a social situation where other employees, not a part of either side of the situation, could witness the exchange in real time. Uh-oh.

 

Bob began, expressing his general unhappiness with the decision and asking Jane to justify it.  Jane responded immediately, defensive of her role. The topic was a trigger to both Bob and Jane but for different reasons.

 

The conversation escalated from there.

 

The two went at it for over five very long minutes each believing that they were “winning” the argument. When the dust settled and the two parted, in fact, neither was a winner. Bob came off as short sighted and blustery and Jane’s behavior was far from inspiring. And in the end, each lost the respect of those in the “audience.”

 

The argument had an impact afterward as well. Separate discussions were spawned, tempers flared, people took sides and the overall mood of the group took a dive. Not a good scene.

 

It’s easy to see now that the entire situation could have been avoided. Bob could have asked Jane in a private setting for more information regarding the decision. Jane could have not been defensive but listened to Bob and his concerns.

 

Yes, it’s so easy to see that now. But in the moment, when our emotions are involved, our brains have another idea.

 

Our Brains

The amygdala (AKA the lizard brain) is the emotional center in the brain that when overloaded with emotion, can trigger an irrational, emotive response.  Thus, the “amygdala hijack.”

 

When we feel any emotion, especially fear or anger, the amygdala kicks in and sends an alarm to every part of the brain. Fight or flight hormones are secreted, motion centers are put on alert, and the cardiovascular system, muscles, and gut are tensed. Heart rate and blood pressure escalate and breath slows while the face muscles are locked into a frozen posture animated by the emotion that triggered the response. Yikes!

 

The problem is that the amygdala takes over BEFORE the rational side of our brain kicks in. A full SIX SECONDS before. And when you’re in high alert and emotionally charged, SIX SECONDS can be an eternity.

 

What can I do to prevent Mt. Vesuvius from erupting?

 

BE AWARE of what is happening in your emotional circuitry. What are your trigger topics? What are the states (hungry? tired?) when you are most susceptible to eruption? What situations or individuals have historically caused you to feel uncomfortable or stressed?

 

WAIT SIX SECONDS. There’s a reason your parents counted to 10 when they were upset with you. We need to breathe, take a step back and wait long enough for the rational part of our brain to kick in. The delay gives us an opportunity to wait until the chemical reaction occurring in our brain has time to subside.

 

UNDERSTAND THAT ONLY YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR ACTIONS. Remember that your response is solely up to you. Being provoked is never an excuse and in the end you end up embarrassing yourself and being the loser.

 

Once you calm down, you have several options:

1. Walk away, acknowledging that there is a time and a place for discussion.
2. Get alone and process what happened.
3. Stay calm and engage in productive discussion of a solution
4. Say statements like “let me think about this,” “give me a minute,” “that’s an interesting perspective” or “I can see why you’re upset”
5. Hear out the accusation and calmly explain your perspective

 

Researchers have found that venting your anger is actually one of the worst ways to cool down. Venting actually prolongs the mood rather than end it.

 

Bob and Jane patched things up with apologies and ultimately a productive dialogue. But there were definite costs to the confrontation: loss of respect, embarrassment, regret, additional stress to name just a few.

 

We’ve all been in situations when our amygdala (or the lizard) takes over. But awareness, patience and a belief that anger is not the solution will take you a lot further.

 

What are some tools you use to practice controlling your impulse to react or show restraint? How do you control your "lizard brain"?

To your success,

 

Mary

Twelve Communication Errors Leaders Should STOP Now

 

“We spend a lot of time teaching leaders what to do.

We don’t spend enough time teaching leaders what to stop.”

 ~Peter Drucker

Good communication is a wonderful thing. We hunger to receive constructive feedback on our performance or an “atta girl” when you’ve done something right. We truly value hearing the words “great job” or “thank you.” On the other side of the coin, silence is a very effective form of communication. Being listened to shows we’re respected and builds connection.

 

In the end, powerful communicators help you understand how your work contributes to the broader business objectives. They let you know why the work you do matters.

 

But there is a dark side to communication. Executive Coach Marshall Goldsmith in his book, “What Got You Here Won’t Get You There,” cited several communication blunders that leaders need to STOP now. I’ve witnessed many of these same behaviors in my own leadership journey and in working with coaching clients and their 360 respondents.

 

So here’s a quick tip: if you really want to be more effective as a leader, take a look at the list below. Identify those you’re guilty of and in the words of Bob Newhart, STOP it! 

 

Too Much Communication

 

1.  Adding too much value. The overwhelming desire to add your two cents to every discussion.

2.  Making destructive comments. The needless sarcasm and cutting remarks that you think make you sound sharp and witty.

3. Starting with “no,” “but” or “however.” The overuse of these negative qualifiers, which secretly convey to everyone, “I’m right. You’re wrong.”

4. Telling the world how smart you are. The need to show people you’re smarter than they think you are.

5. Speaking when angry. Using emotional volatility as a management tool. (This is a big one to stop.)

6. Negativity (“Let me explain why that won’t work.”). The need to share your negative thoughts, even when you haven’t been asked to do so.

 

Not Enough Communication

 

7. Not listening. The most passive-aggressive form of disrespect for your colleagues.

8. Withholding information. The refusal to share information so you can maintain an advantage over others.

9. Failing to give proper recognition. The inability to praise and reward.

10. Claiming credit you do not deserve. The most annoying way to overestimate your contribution to any success.

11. Refusing to express regret. The inability to take responsibility for your actions, admit you’re wrong or recognize how your actions affect others.

12. Failing to express gratitude. The most basic form of bad manners.

 

 Do you see yourself in any of these communication “don’ts”? If so, awareness is the first step in changing bad behavior. Pick one of two of your most derailing behaviors and make it a priority to set yourself on a different communication path.                                              

 

Are there other communication blunders you see leaders routinely make? How do these behaviors get in the way of your commitment, engagement or focus?

 

To your success,

 

Mary

Leading Change: Part 2

 

“You go first and lead the way.”

~Tom Flick

 

I spent the last couple days attending the annual Winning Is Everything Conference out in Las Vegas. The event gathers CPA leaders from a wide variety of firms across the country. The focus is on sharing current practice management challenges and opportunities impacting the CPA profession.

 

For me, a former practicing CPA firm partner and executive coach for many CPA leaders, it’s a great opportunity to keep a pulse on what’s happening in firms across the country.

 

This year, from the opening presentation on, I sensed a definite shift in focus and perspective in firm leaders. Now, more than ever, they shared, outstanding leadership is imperative. The consistent message came from keynote speakers, panel participants and leading consultants to the profession. And great leadership is not just critical at the Managing Partner level. It’s throughout the firm, regardless of your title or role.

 

Amen.

 

Tom Flick, former pro football quarterback, was a highlight. He gave a rousing keynote address, focusing on many of the transformational change imperatives espoused by John Kotter in his book, Leading Change. Creating a sense of urgency, instilling a vision and strategy and empowering others were just a few of the leadership “musts” that Flick touched on. I smiled as I listened to Flick’s presentation, remembering a blog post I authored on the topic a couple of years ago. These CPAs were listening.

 

Flick’s reminder is timely. The profession is in full blown merger mania, with combinations happening in large and small firms across the country. We all know that there’s more to mergers than dollars and cents. They impact people. (Full disclosure, my former firm was merged into Plante Moran in the late 1990s.)

 

As firms continue to combine, strong, transformational leadership is needed to create a positive and productive surviving culture. To make sure that 1+1 is way more than 2.

 

The published theme of the conference was BE A HERO: Think Outside of the Box. And that’s exactly what great leaders do.

To your success,

 

Mary

 

What Are You Missing?

 

“The beauty of a person, or a flower, or a poem lies in seeing all of it.”

~ Peter Senge

 

 

 

The 360º feedback was clear. Although Pam*, (*not her real name) excelled in many of the leadership skills required by her organization, she lacked a critical skill set for her future progress: an ability to think strategically. According to the individuals I interviewed, Pam lacked the perspective required to pull together various aspects of her role into a coherent, strategic view.

 

Pam, a CPA and a senior leader in a fortune 500 company, did not disagree with the results. “I’m so focused on the details and the “here and now” that I don’t make the time to look up and think about the bigger picture,” she shared.

 

Pam’s focus and comfort with the technical and tactical aspects of her role has served her well in her progression with her company. But as a newly named head of a major corporate project, she will be required to stretch out of her comfort zone and into a new and different way of thinking.

 

How can Pam learn to build a strategic mindset?

Of course, building this skill will be one of the primary focuses of our coaching work together. We’ll work to broaden her perspective of her company’s business, not just focusing on the narrow, financial aspects, but also exposing her to other information and data that will help her understand how what she does, impacts the overall results.

 

Peter Senge, in his book The Fifth Discipline, describes systems thinking as “a discipline for seeing wholes.”  It is a framework for seeing interrelationships rather than things, for seeing patterns of change rather than static “snapshots.” Much of strategy and systems thinking comes from having a curious mind and some imagination. Learning to ask questions and exploring “what ifs”. We’ll focus on building those muscles and mindset in Pam.

 

Pam will also need to delegate more of her day to day and tactical responsibilities to her team so that her time will free up for more planning and thinking about what’s next and how the project she’s leading fits into the bigger picture.

 

In the end, while Pam knows that strategic thinking is not one of her natural preferences, she knows it’s a skill set she can build. She also knows that this skill is required for future progress with the company. She’s committed to her leadership development and is definitely interested in seeing the big picture. After all, look what she’s missing.

 

 

 

What about you? How do you apply a systems perspective in your work? What are the strategies you use to broaden your perspective, to leave the tactical and shift to a strategic perspective?

 

To your success,

 

Mary

Which wolf will you feed in 2012?

 

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle

that goes on inside people.

He said, “My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” 

“The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.” 

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather,

“Which wolf wins?”

 The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

~Anonymous

 

Exactly two years ago this week, I was finishing up a great holiday vacation with my family in Florida. The trip was wonderful although on the day I wrote my blog post, “Which wolf will you feed in 2010?” the weather was unseasonably cold (40) for the fifth day in a row and I was struggling with my mood.

 

Stay positive, I wrote. Focus on the “Good” that I experienced during the week: good time with my family, good food and celebrations, good exercise and a jumpstart on my year’s fitness goals. “Feed the wolf with what’s right” rather than dwelling on what’s wrong.

 

Fast forward to today. I’m back in Florida with my family, and up until today (it was 32 this morning), the weather has been excellent. But today’s frosty Florida weather takes me back to my continued commitment of two years ago: to focus on the positive, to focus on helping my clients build on their strengths and to focus on helping them create what’s possible both in their professional and personal lives.

 

In short, using Martin Seligman’s term, my continued focus and effort for 2012 is to help my clients “flourish.”

 

So how about you? Which wolf will you feed in 2012? How will you create the opportunities in your life to flourish?

To your success,

 

Mary

A Growth Mindset For 2012

 

“…decades of research on achievement suggests that successful people

reach their goals not simply because of who they are,

but more often because of what they do.”

~Heidi Grant Halvorson

 

It’s the end of 2011. And with 2012 just around the corner, it’s time to reflect on the year that’s passed and chart some new (or re-commit to current) goals for the coming year. It’s time to craft your goals for success (however you define it.)

 

But for my coaching clients and I’m sure many of you, goal setting and achievement is not just an end of the year thing. It’s an ongoing focus on our continuous improvement and development.

 

So just what do successful people do differently in order to reach their goals? Researcher, Heidi Grant Halvorson identifies nine things in her incredibly popular HBR blog post from February 2011.

 

Here they are in summary form:

1. Get specific.
2. Seize the moment to act on your goals. (decide when and where you will take each action you want to take, in advance.)
3. Know exactly how far you have left to go.
4. Be a realistic optimist.
5. Focus on getting better, rather than being good. (Believing you have the ability to reach your goals is important, but so is believing you can get the ability.)
6. Have grit. Grit is a willingness to commit to long-term goals, and to persist in the face of difficulty.
7. Build your willpower muscle. Your self-control "muscle" is just like the other muscles in your body — when it doesn't get much exercise, it becomes weaker over time. But when you give it regular workouts by putting it to good use, it will grow stronger and stronger, and better able to help you successfully reach your goals.
8. Don't tempt fate. No matter how strong your willpower muscle becomes, it's important to always respect the fact that it is limited, and if you overtax it you will temporarily run out of steam.
9. Focus on what you will do, not what you won't do. 

 

Several of the actions Halvorson identifies are consistent with goal setting best practices outlined in the SMART goals approach. Specific, measurable, attainable, relevant and time bound is the standard for goal setting.

 

But #5, “focus on getting better, rather than being good” requires a shift in perspective for many

 

 Your Mindset

Researcher, Carol Dweck, in her book Mindset: The New Psychology of Success identifies two different mindsets, the growth mindset (getting better) and the fixed mindset (being good). One perspective can positively impact the achievement of your goals and the other will keep you stuck in your ways.

 

The fixed mindset creates an internal monologue that is focused on judging: “Are you sure you can do it? Maybe you don’t have the talent?” “This means I’m a better/smarter/richer person than they are.” Worse yet, this mindset provides no solution or options to overcome your challenge.

 

People with a growth mindset are also constantly monitoring what’s going on, but their internal monologue is not about judging themselves and others in this way. They are attuned to the situation’s implications for learning and constructive action. They ask themselves questions like: “What can I learn from this? How can I improve? How can I help my coworker do this better?”

 

So in the context of Halvorson’s suggestions, #5 and embracing the growth mindset is critical for success and your goal achievement.

 

For 2012

As you establish your goals for 2012, evaluate them in terms of Halverson’s research and your own view of your current mindset. If you happen to already possess a growth mindset, that’s great news. If yours is fixed, however, Dweck identifies a few steps to help you make the shift:

1. Learn to hear your fixed mindset “voice.”
2. Recognize that you have a choice.
3. Talk back to it with a growth mindset voice.
4. Take the growth mindset action: i.e take on the challenge whole heartedly, learn from the setbacks and try again or hear the criticism and act on it.

 

Goal setting, progress and achievement are integral to my work as a coach. Combining the proven research on successful change with practical approaches and support is the foundation for my work.

 

I’d love to hear some of your best practices on goal setting and achievement. What works best for you? How will you achieve your goals in 2012?

 

To your success,

Mary

 

Seasons of Love

 

“You know that love is a gift from up above

Share love, give love, spread love

Measure, measure your life in love.”

 Seasons of Love: Lyrics from the Broadway musical “Rent”

 

About 15 years ago around the holiday, my sisters and I planned a weekend trip to New York City with our then, 80 year old mother. It was to be a big weekend for her, a dream trip to the Metropolitan Opera to see her favorite opera, La Boheme. So for Friday night, we booked front row seats at The Met.

 

On Saturday night, we planned to take her to a Broadway play. My older sister heard great reviews on what was then the hot new ticket on Broadway, the musical Rent. To top it off, the story line of Rent was based on what was a modern day version of La Boheme. This would be perfect….

 

As it turned out, our well planned weekend was derailed when our Friday flight from Ohio was snowed in. Yes, we missed our Friday night at the Met. We were disappointed but looked forward to our “La Boheme like” musical for Saturday.

 

“Rent” did not disappoint. The music was fantastic and although the story line was a bit “modern” for my Mom, she took it in stride. (She dozed on and off through most of it, but woke up during peak moments where the expletives were flying!)

 

In the end, it was still for all of us, a memory of a lifetime.

 

So at this time of year, as I reflect on my past “Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes,” I’m reminded that it was a year of growth, learning, hard work, many successes and some setbacks.

 

But mostly, I’m filled with gratitude for the love and support of family, clients and friends. For me, it truly is a Season of Love.

 

Warm wishes for a wonderful holiday and a prosperous New Year!

To your success,

 

Mary